Moments Come. Moments Go.

Later in the summer we are headed to New Mexico for a week. I've started talking to LB about it. My parents have been going over the summer for several years and D and I joined them for the three summers prior to bringing LB home. We haven't been since the summer of 2009, which was the year we started the adoption process. We decided this was the year to head back and that LB would be old enough to enjoy it. In an effort to get LB pumped about going I've started talking up how fun it is to go on a hike. LB loves the outdoors so I think he'll love it but it doesn't hurt to prepare him for all the greatness awaiting him. Yesterday it was overcast and cool and I decided to take him to a park where we could walk on a trail and practice "hiking." He was excited and wanted to wear his boots so I didn't argue. I told him we could collect rocks and jump in rain puddles and look for bugs.

We got there and he ran straight to the ducks and started quacking at them. I love that he thinks they understand him. We chatted with the ducks for a while and then started walking the trail to find rocks.

We found rocks, sticks and pinecones and they all got tossed in the lake. He's got a strong arm and ever since he was teeny tiny has loved to throw things. He doesn't tire of it. It's nice when things get thrown in a lake instead of at my walls.

A lot of runners frequent this trail so every now and then we would step aside to let a runner pass and LB had to wave and say hi to all of them. One girl didn't wave back and LB determined "she was shy." He was truly being too cute for words. As he was walking ahead of me looking for more things to throw in the lake, I realized I was having a moment. Everything just felt peaceful and right. He would throw something and then stop and gaze out over the lake. I just wanted to soak it all in.

Then he squatted down to look at something and called me over. "Mommy, what's this?" I thought to myself, "He's so inquisitive and smart." I walked over to him and he had his hand in dog poop. DOG POOP!! And my moment was over.

No-Natal Yoga

I started getting interested in yoga about eight years ago. I was going through a period of my life where I was experiencing a lot of anxiety. Most of that anxiety was related to unhappiness at work and the high levels of stress that went along with that job. I hope to one day soon work up the courage to write about that time and my struggle with anxiety but that's for another day. But I consistently went to a yoga class on Saturday mornings during that time and it was like going to therapy for $15/session. I still remember some of the things the instructor would say about letting go, being kind to yourself and living in the moment. Fast forward a few years and I was handling my anxiety much better and D and I were ready to start a family. One of the things I remember being most excited about when we decided to start trying to conceive was signing up for a pre-natal yoga class. It felt like a right of passage. You go buy the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book, you start reading up on baby names and you sign up for pre-natal yoga. That's what you do when you get pregnant. I was ready. As the wait to do all those things continued, I would still go to the websites of my favorite yoga studios and check when their next round of pre-natal classes would be. I remember thinking to myself, "Maybe I'll get to sign up for that session." It was a form of a self torture. I don't know why I did it to myself.

When we decided to put an end to the roller coaster of trying to conceive and made the decision to adopt I knew I would have to work through the emotions of letting go of one dream and moving on to another. I had to spend some time grieving those losses so that I could face the adoption journey with an open heart and mind. Most of those losses are what you would expect. I wouldn't get to experience the excitement of a positive pregnancy test or feel my baby kick in my belly or experience breastfeeding. I mourned those losses. Thankfully, I got to replace them with other amazing memories like our referral call and meeting LB for the first time. But I specifically remember telling my therapist, "I'm a little sad I'll never get to do pre-natal yoga. I was really looking forward to it." Even though I felt a little silly saying it she assured me that's is just part of the letting go process. It was something I wanted to do and now I had to set it aside.

Fast forward again to a few months ago. I had signed LB up for pre-school gymnastics and that met meeting some new moms. One of the new moms I met happens to be a yoga instructor at a studio that I've been to several times. After realizing that I thought she was pretty cool, as most yoga instructors seem to be, I went to the studio's website to look up when she taught. I clicked on her bio and learned that she teaches most of the pre-natal yoga classes at that studio. And there it was. I hadn't thought about pre-natal yoga in years. I truly had put it behind me. But there was a reminder and I found myself exhaling deeply and remembering how much I wanted to do that someday. I wasn't overcome with a deep sadness or anything, no tears were shed, but it was just a reminder of that time and how hard it was. Last week I went to a really great farm in our area with LB and two other mom friends and their boys. One of the mom friends is the yoga instructor I met through gymnastics. We were having a great time and our kids were running all over the place and us moms were chatting about this and that when all of a sudden an idea came over me. I started to tell them about my previous desire to take a pre-natal yoga class and how I used to torture myself by looking up classes and wondering if I would ever be able to sign up. I told her how I do still wonder what it's all about and what kinds of things they do in class. I asked her if one day she would be willing to do a mini pre-natal yoga class with me even though there is nothing natal going on with my body. She didn't hesitate and said "Absolutely!" I was touched. It meant a lot that she was so willing to help me check something off my bucket list even though I don't technically fill the criteria. But who cares about criteria, right! Who says I can't do pre-natal yoga! So we're working on a time and she is going to reserve space at the studio and I am going to experience pre-natal yoga. Healing is a good thing. So is asking for help.

I'm so grateful for my little yogi and all the healing he has brought to my life. These days I will ask him, "Who made me a mommy?" And he'll answer with a big smile on his face, "I did."

Namaste.

Inspired

On Saturday I had the day all to myself. Let me repeat. All to myself. LB and I had returned from Tulsa a few days prior and I think D recognized how nice it was to have a few days to himself. So he suggested (all by himself with no prodding) that he take LB to see his parents for the day and I stay back and do whatever. Yes. Please. I got my first pedicure of the season, I strolled through the aisles of Whole Foods and I went to my favorite cafe and ordered my favorite dark chocolate truffle cookie and I read my new favorite book. I felt spoiled. So this book. Let's talk about it. I loved it. I loved it in the way I've loved anything written by Anne Lamott. And that's saying a lot. I finished the book in 2 days. I kind of want to read it again already. I recently discovered the author's blog, Momastery. I think it's wonderful. It's not for everyone but it's for me. She speaks to me. I think what makes her great is that even though our lives have followed a very different path, she's a recovering alcoholic and bulimic and has 3 biological children, her writing is still very relatable. Of course, she is also relatable because we are both middle class white women who were raised by two amazing people. I forget sometimes the role that can play. But, we've all struggled in our lives, right? We've had moments when we couldn't bear to get out of bed. Literally.

Her book has inspired me to write more. I am not sure what I have to say or what I feel comfortable putting out there on the internet but I want to write more. Some days maybe it will just be about fun crafts I did with LB or silly things he has said. Or maybe I'll share about some of my struggles with anxiety or my ongoing healing process from infertility or other things I feel passionate about. Like Glennon, I know I always feel better when I open up to someone and pave the way for them to open up as well. I've read some articles and chatted with friends too about how social media outlets like Facebook and Instagram make it seem like we all live these perfect lives. And if we start comparing our lives to what others share on Facebook or Instagram then our lives always seem less fun or harder or lonelier than everyone else's. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing photos of my friends' kids or reading articles that others have shared but if we want others to be real then we have to take that leap of faith and be real too. No one's life is perfect but so often we feel the need to portray that it is. Some of the best conversations I've had with friends have been when we've let go of all that crap and just talked about the struggles. Sometimes that's hard for me. But I like to listen and I like to share. I believe in the power of extending grace to another person and remembering to extend it to myself as well. Maybe this space can be a place for me to do that. Listen and Share. Live and Learn. Maybe no one is out there, except my mom and my sister. (Hi Mom and Abs.) But that's okay. I need to write for me. Anne Lamott said, "Your problem is how you are going to spend this one and precious life you have been issued. Whether you're going to spend it trying to look good and creating the illusion that you have power over circumstances, or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it and find out the truth about who you are."

I hope I can work towards finding the dark chocolate truffle cookie moments amidst the struggles and hopefully be there for someone else as they search for their own beauty and truth. Or at least offer to share my cookie with them. And as Glennon says, "Love wins." I believe that to be true.
Namaste.

The Three Questions

I have two books by Jon J. Muth that are written and illustrated for children but actually contain wonderful lessons for adults as well. One of them is Zen Shorts and the other one is The Three Questions. I highly recommend both of them. I recently wrote down a quote from The Three Questions because I felt like it was something I needed to keep in mind for times when I get swept up in the stress of parenting. It doesn't just apply to parenting but to life in general.

"Remember then that there is only one important time, and that time is now. The most important one is always the one you are with. And the most important thing is to do good for the one who is standing at your side. For those, my dear boy, are the answers to what is most important in this world. This is why we are here." Jon J. Muth

I find that it is so easy to worry about what is to come rather than really focus on meeting LB's needs in the present moment. I have been working hard on that this year and I think it has made daily life so much better. Instead of fretting about how LB's noise and touch issues will play out in a pre-school environment, I am focusing on creating fun times for us NOW at home. Or rather than worry if LB's GI issues will result in surgery, I am trying to just take each day as it is and be glad that he seems to be feeling better. I am not sure if it is his age or this renewed focus but I've been feeling like we are in a good groove these days. Perhaps it is a combination of both. I do realize this could all come crashing down on me at any moment, like when his two year molars start coming in. But I think we are prone to mark the tough times and it is just as important to recognize when things are going well and when progress has been made. Maybe I am just better at parenting a two year old than I was a one year old? I remember over the summer LB and I were having a particularly bad day but I really wanted to go buy him a water table, with the hopes it would provide for good outdoor entertainment. We were at the store and a sales woman approached me to see if I needed help. She asked how old LB was. When I told her he was 16 months she commented on what a cute and wonderful age that was. I had to hold back from punching her. I wanted to scream, "Are you kidding me! This age sucks. He can walk and get into everything but he can't communicate yet so he just throws fits!" Instead I just smiled at her because that's how I am. But I am glad that if someone said that to me today I could smile and not feel like a total fake.

On Mondays, we rarely have anything scheduled so I have been trying to make sure I have a fun sensory activity for us to do. Yesterday we played with shaving cream. LB did this at his most recent OT appointment and loved it. His therapist and I both thought he would need to be coaxed in to playing with it but he proved us wrong. He took one look at all the shaving cream on the table and dived right in with both hands. He kept asking for more. Then his OT added red and blue paint and he loved that too. I tried to create a similar scenario here at home but I did want to contain the mess as best I could. I strapped LB in his high chair and put the shaving cream all over the tray. Initially he only played with one hand but then on his own he started playing with both hands. I was glad I didn't have to encourage him to do that but he did it on his own. Sadly, I don't have any washable paint but after he tired of just the shaving cream I added some rice to the mixture to give it a different texture. That definitely helped prolong the activity. He asked me to play with him and I have to admit that it did feel funny to have all that squishy shaving cream on my hands. Maybe I need some sensory work too.

Once he was done I just stripped him down, put his stool at the sink and let him clean himself. LB's favorite thing to say these days is, "I do." So I try and accomodate the "I do" as much as possible. It worked well in this case because while he was rinsing off I could clean up the tray and chair. Don't be afraid of the mess with this activity. I just used a few dish towels and everything was cleaned up pretty quickly. And then LB continued to play in the sink and I was able to eat breakfast uninterrupted!

Please remind me of this post the next time I feel defeated, which could easily be tomorrow.

"People gather bundles of sticks to build bridges they never cross." Author Unknown

Enough

When I was in high school there was a show on TV called, My So Called Life. Sadly, there was only one season because it was pretty good show. I recently discovered that it was on Netflix and have indulged myself in watching some of the episodes. It's brought back a lot of memories of obsessing over those coming of age issues like dating, drinking and just trying to navigate how you fit in. I remember thinking how the lead character, Angela, was always saying something deep and profound. I wanted to be more like her. (I also wanted to kiss Jordan Catalano.) Watching the show now I chuckle at some of what she said but I can see how I latched on to some of it. The other day I actually paused the show so I could write down one of her quotes that even at the age of 33 resonated with me.

"People always say you should just be yourself. Like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster or something. Like you know what it is even. But sometimes I'll have like a moment. Where being myself, right where I am, is enough."

Some days it is hard to just let what I have and who I am be enough. I have every reason to feel content and most days I do. But my mind still wanders. Where does my mind go? Let's see. What about baby Buster #2? Will that ever happen? When it is time to go back to work what will I do? I've always been jealous of people who knew that they wanted to be an architect or a professor or a minister or whatever. Obviously, I have always wanted to be a mom but there is something outside that role that I would like to do. I just don't know what yet. So many questions and not enough focusing on today. I imagine we all have these types of things that we let get in the way of the here and now. I've also had this pressing desire to go back to Ethiopia so I can visit LB's home village. I want to see the hospital where he was born. I want to go to his first orphanage. I simply would like to soak in all the sights and smells of the area. I know we'll make it happen at some point and the right time will present itself. But letting go of knowing exactly when this will be is hard. Today's joys should be enough. That's what I am trying to focus on. I need to really savor things like watching LB walk towards me with a big grin on his face or seeing his face light up when he sees a balloon at the grocery store. Even on days like yesterday when it was tantrum city around here I can relish in the glass of wine I will have when he goes to bed. I need to listen to Angela and let what I have, in this moment, be enough.

The 10 Years Ago Me

Our flights are booked. Wow. We decided to risk the change fee and go ahead and confirm our flights. For some reason the final week in July is pretty booked so we were nervous if we waited until the 15th we could get stuck with a pretty awful schedule. We are flying Lufthansa. If anyone else has traveled Lufthansa I would love to know how it went. Scratch that. Only tell me if you had a good experience because my nerves are already sky high so it is probably best I am just blissfully unaware. We also have our required humanitarian aid purchased and we just need to put it all in suitcases. I went to Target yesterday and raided the clearance rack for clothes. I had a blast. I tried to buy lots of different sizes and kept thinking that a family on the waitlist could get their referral and the child would be wearing something that I purchased. I was holding back the tears in Target. I couldn't resist and did buy an Ohio State t-shirt. Hopefully a die hard Michigan family won't receive a referral picture with their kid in a t-shirt stating that they are a future Buckeye. (I secretly hope they do.)

As Damon and I were emailing back and forth with the travel agent this weekend, I started to think back to the last time I traveled outside the US and realized that it has been 10 years. Too long! Actually, it was EXACTLY 10 years ago that my friend, Liz, and I backpacked around Europe for a little over a month. I had spent the previous year teaching English in Japan and had saved the money for this trip. As it turned out Liz was one of the hostesses for my shower a few weeks ago. Damon and I have traveled a lot here in the States but haven't been overseas together as a married couple. I have to say that looking over flight schedules did make me nervous about navigating the long flight and layovers, packing all the essentials, wondering where we will stay, etc. So I decided it was time for some positive self talk. I reminded myself that I am fairly well traveled and that I DO enjoy exploring new places. Obviously there is a lot at stake with this trip that I haven't experienced in the past and I have never been to Africa but this won't be my first trip overseas.

I pulled out my photo album from my Europe trip and took a therapeutic walk down memory lane. It really did help to look at those pictures and remind myself that there is an adventurous person inside of me. I laughed at our lack of a plan. We knew the places we wanted to go but just took each location day by day and when we felt it was time to move on we did. Many times our lack of planning resulted in some "don't tell mom" moments. On one of those occasions we arrived in Heidelberg, Germany really late at night and all the hostels we called were booked. We contemplated sleeping in the train station! Eventually we decided to splurge and stay at the nice hotel near the station instead. We ended up doing the same thing a week or so later in Prague. Not smart. Liz and I split ways after spending a few days in Austria and she went to Italy and I went to Paris a few days before my flight home. I spent three days in Paris by myself. Where is that Emily of 10 years ago? I still can't believe I did that. I had some extra money that I had set aside so I stayed at a small but nice hotel near the Arc de Triumphe. You could actually see it from my hotel balcony. One of the days I made friends with three older American ladies and they doted on me for an afternoon. I am going to add working on channeling that braver, more adventurous version of myself to my to-do list.

I scanned in some of my favorite photos of the trip.

Stonehenge - 2000

Baby Shower - 2010

Have we changed much? Please don't answer that question.

Things that make me happy v.2

When I would get really anxious during our wait for a referral it helped to focus on other little things that put me in a good mood. As the wait for a court date gets harder and harder, I decided to do the same thing. I need to make an effort to think about other positive things rather than worrying about the two trips, wondering when we’ll get our court date and how I am sad that we won’t be with our boy for his 5 month birthday next week. Sigh.

So here we go with version 2 of things that make me happy (in no particular order).

1. I made a dress. Yep, this domestically challenged gal made a dress. Okay, so Jen helped me but I actually did a lot of it. I still need to make straps but I am pretty pleased with my first attempt. I think the last time I used a sewing machine was in 7th grade Home Ec. and I made a locker organizer. I remember that locker organizer very well. It was navy and had red, yellow and green pockets. I like this dress a lot more than my locker organizer. As I left for the craft night benefit, I don't think Damon actually believed that I would come home with dress. I am sure he imagined me arriving there and getting lured in by the wine, good conversation and snacks and never actually making a dress. He had already gone to bed when I got home that night and when he woke up in the morning he said with a very surprised tone, "you made a dress." Hello. That was my intention. I had a hard time getting a good picture of it but you get the idea. I am quite pleased with myself.

2. I am going to Tulsa this weekend to spend time with my family and see some friends. My mom has a fun weekend planned and I can’t wait!

3. The World Cup starts this weekend in South Africa! I wish that soccer were as big here in the US as it is in other parts of the world. I love the idea of the whole country coming to a stand still to watch a soccer game. Maybe someday that will happen here. Of course this year there is the added benefit that it is in Africa. If this video doesn’t get you psyched to watch some soccer then I don’t know what will.

4. Okay, don’t make fun of me for this one. But can you tell what this is?

We get a free bag of dog food!! It’s the little things. We feed our dog the Cadillac version of dog food so it can be pricey. This little card will get us a free 35lb bag of food for our little girl. Free makes me happy!

5. My friend Katie made this painting for us. The blue in the star part of the flag works perfectly with the blue that Damon just painted in our nursery. I smile every time I look at. I will be forever touched that she made this.

6. As you know, I can’t post pics of our boy online so I had Damon help me put a little heart over his face so I could share this with you. This is a still of the video from Heidi as she is giving him our photo album. I am so glad that our pictures are in his crib. It is like we are watching over him in spirit. I know you can’t see his face but can’t you tell he is just a cutie?! Don’t you want to wrap your hands around that little belly? Maybe, that is just me. This picture makes me beyond happy!

Maybe Tomorrow

No news. Oh well. With each passing day we have to be getting closer and closer. For about the past week or so before we go to bed either Damon or I will say, “Maybe tomorrow.” On the surface it may sound a little depressing but I actually think it is just the opposite. It is all about hope. Tomorrow is still a real possibility. I do get bummed around 6pm each day because I assume if the call hasn’t come by 6pm then the hope for that day is gone. But when we go to bed the hope for tomorrow starts all over again.

A little over a year ago, I read a book that my mom and sister recommended, A Hope in the Unseen by Ron Suskind. The author followed one student, Cedric Benson, for several years and chronicled Cedric’s life in the inner city as he tries to make the best of one of the worst public school systems in the US. I won’t ruin it for you but if you read the back of the book you do learn that Cedric perseveres and makes his way to Brown University. The title of the book is based on a conversation he had with a particular teacher in his high school. This teacher pushed and encouraged him to dream big despite the obvious obstacles. Here is the conversation:

"Hebrews 11:1," says Mr. Taylor. "The substance of faith is a hope in the unseen."
"NO. Wrong--you messed it!" Cedric laughs. "It goes 'Faith, the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." Man, Mr. Taylor, you always getting 'em wrong."
... Then he turns the botched line over in his head and hears his giggle echo through the empty hallway. A hope in the unseen. Sort of a pocket-sized version of the original, and not really a religious phrase he decides, but one you can definitely take with you. [pp.49-50, Broadway Books, 2005]

This is really what our journey to parenthood has been about as well. It has been a hope in the very much unseen. Nothing concrete has happened over the past few years that would lead me to say with certainty that I will be a mother. All I have had to cling to was hope and faith that this mystic thing called motherhood would actually be achieved. I have dreamed about this face that I can’t see and cheeks that I can’t squeeze and a belly that I can’t give raspberry kisses to but there is hope that someday all those things COULD happen. I haven’t lost sight of that.

Maybe tomorrow or the day after tomorrow or...

Mindful Monday

I have mentioned before on this blog how I follow the ONE campaign, which was co-founded by Bono. I try and keep up with their blog because they often highlight great articles about Africa, other organizations doing amazing work, etc. They update the blog several times a day so it is hard to keep up with it but tonight one of the entries really caught my eye. There was a link to an article in the Huffington Post by Blake Mycoskie, the founder of TOMS shoes. I imagine a lot of you have heard about Toms Shoes but for those that haven’t you should check them out. Their premise is pretty simple. For every pair of shoes purchased they donate a pair to a child in need. Simple yet effective. The article was titled, “Fulfilling My Life’s Mission Through the Toms Shoes Movement.” This idea of a life's mission has been something I can’t get out of my mind recently. I have written before about how I think this adoption process is starting to point me in the direction of my calling. It seems that everything I am reading these days whether it be a magazine article, book or poem all have the theme of figuring out what we are meant to do with our lives. I am hoping each experience no matter how big or small gets me closer. Blake states, “I believe each of us has a mission in life, and that one cannot truly be living their most fulfilled life until they recognize this mission and dedicate their life to pursuing it. Sometimes a mission lasts for two weeks or two months, or possibly 20 years.” I appreciate that Blake doesn’t think you can only have one mission but that your life could be made up of several missions. I definitely don’t think that my life has been wasted up to this point but I just think that this adoption has awakened something in me. It’s a passion that I know I need to explore further. After I graduated from college, I truly enjoyed using my Japanese language skills to help people communicate and facilitate a cultural understanding. I like to think there was an importance to that and was my mission in that phase of my life. Clearly what Blake has done with the Toms Shoes movement has resonated with him on a deeper level compared to other things he has done with his life. I think that deeper thing is out there waiting for me. My hope is that if I can focus on being more alert and present in my daily life then it will be easier to follow the road towards what I want to accomplish. Blake says, “Exercise your purchasing power as a consumer, volunteer and bring joy to those in need, and share your experiences, tell your stories, and inspire others along the way.” I know that I am inspired by HIS story.

I hope all of you have a wonderful Thanksgiving week. I will be giving extra thanks this Thursday for all the support and love we have received this year from family, old friends and new ones!

Seven Years Ago

Seven years ago today I said, “I do.” When we were married both of our parents were in their 30th year of marriage. How amazing is that? I knew I was in love but I didn’t know how our love would be tested. Does it make sense that through the harder times I have found more love that I didn’t know was there? Seven years sure feels like a lot but I am sure our parents, who are now in their 37th year are thinking, “Hah, just you wait!” Parenthood will definitely bring about a new set of challenges but I know that when I envision Damon holding our child for the first time and the look he will have in his eyes that it makes me cry. I’m not naïve and can say with certainty it won’t be all sunshine and roses. I will for sure get annoyed when he starts following our child around with a dust buster hoping to catch all the crumbs. But in all seriousness, today I don’t really want to focus on what we’ve been through or even where we are going but want to try and celebrate simply us. For me, on this day, that’s enough.

"Nobody has ever measured, even poets, how much a heart can hold. " - Zelda Fitzgerald

Tuesday Reflections

First, I want to thank all of you for your encouraging words and shared excitement for us as we went on the waitlist! I am so glad that I started this blog as the support it has already provided in these 4 short months has meant so much to me.

In all honesty, the transition to the waitlist brought on all sorts of emotions that I wasn’t necessarily expecting. I knew that I would be extremely excited and I am but in the past week I have also felt overwhelmed and nervous. My sleep patterns have been all over the place. The thought of the wait and all that follows it is a bit daunting. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait for us to become parents. However, there are still so many things that have to happen in terms of the adoption process for parenthood to occur that it can all overwhelm me sometimes. I have also noticed that I have been doing a lot of reflecting on the past and the moments or events in my life that lead to our adoption. I am not sure if that was brought on by our entering the waitlist or my upcoming 10 year college reunion or what. I try not to dwell on the past too much but it is hard not to look back and see how you’ve evolved or how certain things make so much more sense now. I hope I haven’t gone too far into lala land that I’ve lost you already.

In all this reflection, I realized that 10 years ago this month I was heading off on one of my biggest adventures. Throughout most of college, I knew that I wanted to live in Japan after I graduated from college. It was just one of those things that you feel with certainty. I clearly remember sitting in the Tulsa airport with my parents the morning of my flight and wondering about what my life would be like for the next year. I had been to Japan twice before but never to live on my own for an entire year. I am sure that I cried my eyes out as I am very close to my parents. But it is safe to say that it was one of the best years of my life. I have such a love and respect for the Japanese culture and I met some wonderful people that deeply enriched my time there. I think when I tell people who know me well that Damon and I are embarking on this journey of adoption they aren’t shocked that we decided to adopt internationally. I have always been very curious of other cultures and languages and luckily learning foreign languages is something that has always come easily to me. In high school I studied Japanese and Spanish and obviously continued with the Japanese. My mom says that I have so much information of other languages stored in my brain that it explains why my English grammar sometimes suffers. The first month or so of my time there was really hard. I was missing my family and missing Damon and just so unsure of how things would turn out. Are you catching on that transition and change are hard for me? My mom told me to give it to November 1st and if I was still unhappy and then we could talk about cutting my year short and coming home. I know that November 1st came and went and I didn’t even notice that it was the cut off day as I was settling in to my new routine and had already made some wonderful friends. My mom sure knows me well. I am not talking about giving myself a cut off day for the wait list obviously (we are in it for the long haul!) but what I mean is that from past experiences I know myself and know that I will settle down.

This Sunday we’ll be having dinner at Abyssinia Café with the local group of people who have adopted or are adopting from Ethiopia and my mom is coming to visit in 2 weeks and Buckeye football season starts, etc. So Damon and I will eventually settle in to the wait and I am sure I will continue to reflect on past moments and be anxious for future ones but I also know that I’ll enjoy what I’m doing in this moment and that this nervousness will come and go and that is okay.
I’ll end my post today with some of my favorite shots of my year in Japan as a reminder of an event in my life that was initially really hard yet really joyful (and yes my hair was really short then!).

At Tokyo Disneyland with one of my best friends in Japan, Saeko.

Two of my best English speaking buddies in Japan, James and Melissa. My time in Japan would not have been the same without these two.

I taught English at a language school and this was a particularly fun group of kids.

Damon and I dated long distance for a year while I was in Japan. But he came to visit for three weeks and we went to several of the more popular tourist destinations.

Cherry Blossom viewing with James and Saeko. It is a sight to see.

When I went to Japan in college I lived with a host family. I visited them several times during my year there and in many ways it was like going home. They were and always will be a second family to me. They treated me like their own daughter and I am forever grateful to the Fujimura Family of Morioka, Japan! Peace.

Gladney Approval!

I checked my email this afternoon and had a lovely email from Judy at Gladney letting us know we are officially approved by Gladney. WHOO HOO!! I could not contain my excitement at work and had to let out a little squeal. My co-workers were very understanding. We are still waiting on that approval letter from CIS but it sure felt good to get our agency's stamp of approval. In an effort to save time we had been working on our dossier at the same time as the home study and all of our dossier documents are in the hands of Kate at KBS Dossier (she is amazing and I highly recommend using her). She is currently walking them through the authentication process.

I don't know about you other adoptive moms out there but I just let out such a huge sigh of relief when we got that approval. D and I are confident in our ability to tackle parenthood and know that this path of adoption is one we are meant to take. We also know that our friends and family think we are ready for parenthood as well. I had mentioned to people previously how relieved I will be when we get agency approval and they would say things like, "Of course you will be approved. Don't be silly." But for me there was something about this process that made me wonder if people who didn't know us as well would agree. I vividly remember having a minor freak out one night as D and I were filling out documents because I was convinced we weren't involved enough in our community. Okay, go ahead and laugh but I was dead serious. D thought I had temporarily lost it but I was just really questioning if we would be deemed suitable. I totally understand why we have to do things like get background checks, talk with a social worker, go to infant CPR, etc. but through the whole process it feels like you are proving yourself over and over and that just breeds doubt. I don't want my temporary freak outs to discourage anyone who is considering adopting as I know in the end all the ups and downs of the adoption process will be totally worth it! I actually think all this doubt is probably good practice for parenthood in general because the parents I know are always questioning if they made the right decision when it comes to sleep schedules, discipline, dating rules and the list goes on and on.

In my effort to live more in the moment, tonight I am just going to be grateful for Gladney approval and that we are one step closer to our ultimate goal! And tomorrow I will resume stalking the mailbox for that CIS letter. I can't change overnight.