No-Natal Yoga

I started getting interested in yoga about eight years ago. I was going through a period of my life where I was experiencing a lot of anxiety. Most of that anxiety was related to unhappiness at work and the high levels of stress that went along with that job. I hope to one day soon work up the courage to write about that time and my struggle with anxiety but that's for another day. But I consistently went to a yoga class on Saturday mornings during that time and it was like going to therapy for $15/session. I still remember some of the things the instructor would say about letting go, being kind to yourself and living in the moment. Fast forward a few years and I was handling my anxiety much better and D and I were ready to start a family. One of the things I remember being most excited about when we decided to start trying to conceive was signing up for a pre-natal yoga class. It felt like a right of passage. You go buy the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book, you start reading up on baby names and you sign up for pre-natal yoga. That's what you do when you get pregnant. I was ready. As the wait to do all those things continued, I would still go to the websites of my favorite yoga studios and check when their next round of pre-natal classes would be. I remember thinking to myself, "Maybe I'll get to sign up for that session." It was a form of a self torture. I don't know why I did it to myself.

When we decided to put an end to the roller coaster of trying to conceive and made the decision to adopt I knew I would have to work through the emotions of letting go of one dream and moving on to another. I had to spend some time grieving those losses so that I could face the adoption journey with an open heart and mind. Most of those losses are what you would expect. I wouldn't get to experience the excitement of a positive pregnancy test or feel my baby kick in my belly or experience breastfeeding. I mourned those losses. Thankfully, I got to replace them with other amazing memories like our referral call and meeting LB for the first time. But I specifically remember telling my therapist, "I'm a little sad I'll never get to do pre-natal yoga. I was really looking forward to it." Even though I felt a little silly saying it she assured me that's is just part of the letting go process. It was something I wanted to do and now I had to set it aside.

Fast forward again to a few months ago. I had signed LB up for pre-school gymnastics and that met meeting some new moms. One of the new moms I met happens to be a yoga instructor at a studio that I've been to several times. After realizing that I thought she was pretty cool, as most yoga instructors seem to be, I went to the studio's website to look up when she taught. I clicked on her bio and learned that she teaches most of the pre-natal yoga classes at that studio. And there it was. I hadn't thought about pre-natal yoga in years. I truly had put it behind me. But there was a reminder and I found myself exhaling deeply and remembering how much I wanted to do that someday. I wasn't overcome with a deep sadness or anything, no tears were shed, but it was just a reminder of that time and how hard it was. Last week I went to a really great farm in our area with LB and two other mom friends and their boys. One of the mom friends is the yoga instructor I met through gymnastics. We were having a great time and our kids were running all over the place and us moms were chatting about this and that when all of a sudden an idea came over me. I started to tell them about my previous desire to take a pre-natal yoga class and how I used to torture myself by looking up classes and wondering if I would ever be able to sign up. I told her how I do still wonder what it's all about and what kinds of things they do in class. I asked her if one day she would be willing to do a mini pre-natal yoga class with me even though there is nothing natal going on with my body. She didn't hesitate and said "Absolutely!" I was touched. It meant a lot that she was so willing to help me check something off my bucket list even though I don't technically fill the criteria. But who cares about criteria, right! Who says I can't do pre-natal yoga! So we're working on a time and she is going to reserve space at the studio and I am going to experience pre-natal yoga. Healing is a good thing. So is asking for help.

I'm so grateful for my little yogi and all the healing he has brought to my life. These days I will ask him, "Who made me a mommy?" And he'll answer with a big smile on his face, "I did."

Namaste.