No-Natal Yoga

I started getting interested in yoga about eight years ago. I was going through a period of my life where I was experiencing a lot of anxiety. Most of that anxiety was related to unhappiness at work and the high levels of stress that went along with that job. I hope to one day soon work up the courage to write about that time and my struggle with anxiety but that's for another day. But I consistently went to a yoga class on Saturday mornings during that time and it was like going to therapy for $15/session. I still remember some of the things the instructor would say about letting go, being kind to yourself and living in the moment. Fast forward a few years and I was handling my anxiety much better and D and I were ready to start a family. One of the things I remember being most excited about when we decided to start trying to conceive was signing up for a pre-natal yoga class. It felt like a right of passage. You go buy the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book, you start reading up on baby names and you sign up for pre-natal yoga. That's what you do when you get pregnant. I was ready. As the wait to do all those things continued, I would still go to the websites of my favorite yoga studios and check when their next round of pre-natal classes would be. I remember thinking to myself, "Maybe I'll get to sign up for that session." It was a form of a self torture. I don't know why I did it to myself.

When we decided to put an end to the roller coaster of trying to conceive and made the decision to adopt I knew I would have to work through the emotions of letting go of one dream and moving on to another. I had to spend some time grieving those losses so that I could face the adoption journey with an open heart and mind. Most of those losses are what you would expect. I wouldn't get to experience the excitement of a positive pregnancy test or feel my baby kick in my belly or experience breastfeeding. I mourned those losses. Thankfully, I got to replace them with other amazing memories like our referral call and meeting LB for the first time. But I specifically remember telling my therapist, "I'm a little sad I'll never get to do pre-natal yoga. I was really looking forward to it." Even though I felt a little silly saying it she assured me that's is just part of the letting go process. It was something I wanted to do and now I had to set it aside.

Fast forward again to a few months ago. I had signed LB up for pre-school gymnastics and that met meeting some new moms. One of the new moms I met happens to be a yoga instructor at a studio that I've been to several times. After realizing that I thought she was pretty cool, as most yoga instructors seem to be, I went to the studio's website to look up when she taught. I clicked on her bio and learned that she teaches most of the pre-natal yoga classes at that studio. And there it was. I hadn't thought about pre-natal yoga in years. I truly had put it behind me. But there was a reminder and I found myself exhaling deeply and remembering how much I wanted to do that someday. I wasn't overcome with a deep sadness or anything, no tears were shed, but it was just a reminder of that time and how hard it was. Last week I went to a really great farm in our area with LB and two other mom friends and their boys. One of the mom friends is the yoga instructor I met through gymnastics. We were having a great time and our kids were running all over the place and us moms were chatting about this and that when all of a sudden an idea came over me. I started to tell them about my previous desire to take a pre-natal yoga class and how I used to torture myself by looking up classes and wondering if I would ever be able to sign up. I told her how I do still wonder what it's all about and what kinds of things they do in class. I asked her if one day she would be willing to do a mini pre-natal yoga class with me even though there is nothing natal going on with my body. She didn't hesitate and said "Absolutely!" I was touched. It meant a lot that she was so willing to help me check something off my bucket list even though I don't technically fill the criteria. But who cares about criteria, right! Who says I can't do pre-natal yoga! So we're working on a time and she is going to reserve space at the studio and I am going to experience pre-natal yoga. Healing is a good thing. So is asking for help.

I'm so grateful for my little yogi and all the healing he has brought to my life. These days I will ask him, "Who made me a mommy?" And he'll answer with a big smile on his face, "I did."

Namaste.

No More Lists

Have you noticed all of the lists online that start with, "What not to say to X type of mom" these days? You can fill in the blank with working moms, adoptive moms, stay at home moms, moms of kids with down syndrome, moms of twins, breastfeeding moms, moms who need chocolate to cope, etc. It's pretty exhausting. All of those lists actually exist. Well, maybe not the chocolate one. Sadly, I am guilty of sharing the "don't you dare say these things to adoptive moms" list. It is one of the first lists I read and I related to it so I hit the share button. Looking back, I wish I hadn't but oh well. Live and Learn. But I get why we do it. I get why I did it. Some of the things  people have said to me or my adoptive mom friends have been down right infuriating. Like the dental hygienist who told my friend, "Well, if adoption is good enough for Angelina Jolie then I guess it is good enough for anyone." Yes, someone really said that. It was a dumb and insulting thing to say for sure. I've received an Angelina comment too. It's annoying. But the person who said it to me was trying to be funny and even though it wasn't I know that person and know they weren't intentionally trying to insult me.

I also think the lists come about because we all make choices in our lives and those choices are dear and important to us. And add our kids in to the mix, who mean the world to us, and it's a recipe for passionate cries. That's not a bad thing. When we feel like someone has questioned or insulted our choices or said something we don't like about our kids then we want to stand up and tell the world that it's not okay. And it isn't okay. But something is off about the tone in these lists. Is that just me? And now I have become annoyed by the whole thing. You know what I think these lists do? They pit us against each other. And by us I mean women and moms. They put us in camps and say to people on the outside of the camp, "Don't even try to understand what I go through and you better watch what you say." The lists make us feel like we can't say anything to someone who is walking a different path than us. Should we do our best to be kind and sensitive and think before we speak? Absolutely! Yes! But sometimes we are going to say something stupid and insensitive. And that's okay. We're all stupid and insensitive sometimes. I haven't received too many annoying comments about adoption but when I have I know that in retrospect the person was well intentioned or just not fully thinking through what they were saying. We can't all be held to such a high standard. There are times when I have just smiled and changed the subject or walked away and there have been times when I have tried to educate. It depends on my mood or if LB is close by or if the person is a friend or a stranger. Someone said something to me yesterday that hit my infertility button. I got the sense she felt badly soon after it came out of her mouth. She didn't mean to insult me. I let it go. In that case, I think she knew right away and that was enough for me. I truly hope that if I say something dumb to a mom with twins or a working mom that the person would kindly explain to me that what I have said was insensitive. And I pray that I will have the strength to not get defensive but to open my mind to someone elses' experience and perspective. We lose our power and strength as women if we are always trying to put ourselves into various cliques and excluding those who don't belong.

So I'm going to work on being more inclusive. I want my actions to say "pull up a chair and have some chocolate" not "you couldn't possibly understand so don't say x,y or z." In the same way I need to remind myself that I can't be perfect, I need to remember that for my friends, acquaintances and strangers in line at the store. Let's get rid of the lists and just recognize we are all unique and all equally deserving of respect.
Amen to that.