Enough

When I was in high school there was a show on TV called, My So Called Life. Sadly, there was only one season because it was pretty good show. I recently discovered that it was on Netflix and have indulged myself in watching some of the episodes. It's brought back a lot of memories of obsessing over those coming of age issues like dating, drinking and just trying to navigate how you fit in. I remember thinking how the lead character, Angela, was always saying something deep and profound. I wanted to be more like her. (I also wanted to kiss Jordan Catalano.) Watching the show now I chuckle at some of what she said but I can see how I latched on to some of it. The other day I actually paused the show so I could write down one of her quotes that even at the age of 33 resonated with me.

"People always say you should just be yourself. Like yourself is this definite thing, like a toaster or something. Like you know what it is even. But sometimes I'll have like a moment. Where being myself, right where I am, is enough."

Some days it is hard to just let what I have and who I am be enough. I have every reason to feel content and most days I do. But my mind still wanders. Where does my mind go? Let's see. What about baby Buster #2? Will that ever happen? When it is time to go back to work what will I do? I've always been jealous of people who knew that they wanted to be an architect or a professor or a minister or whatever. Obviously, I have always wanted to be a mom but there is something outside that role that I would like to do. I just don't know what yet. So many questions and not enough focusing on today. I imagine we all have these types of things that we let get in the way of the here and now. I've also had this pressing desire to go back to Ethiopia so I can visit LB's home village. I want to see the hospital where he was born. I want to go to his first orphanage. I simply would like to soak in all the sights and smells of the area. I know we'll make it happen at some point and the right time will present itself. But letting go of knowing exactly when this will be is hard. Today's joys should be enough. That's what I am trying to focus on. I need to really savor things like watching LB walk towards me with a big grin on his face or seeing his face light up when he sees a balloon at the grocery store. Even on days like yesterday when it was tantrum city around here I can relish in the glass of wine I will have when he goes to bed. I need to listen to Angela and let what I have, in this moment, be enough.