Big Reactions

Whenever I receive a great piece of parenting advice I feel as though it is my duty to share it. Like it would be selfish of me to keep it to myself. You are welcome in advance. One of the things that we've always struggled with is how to deal with LB's occasional overreaction to situations. He has been on high alert for as long as I can remember. I am not a trained therapist but I do think he has a pretty intense fight or flight response. It should also be noted that if I am being honest with myself then I also have this issue at times and would consider my central nervous system to be highly sensitive. (My parents are probably nodding their heads and laughing as they read this.) So I may not be a trained professional but I have a lot of personal experience. I'm never for certain if some of his reactions are due to sensory sensitivities or if it's just some physiological thing. But whatever it is it happens and it's hard to manage. D and I both really have to watch our own reactions to stressful situations because LB is so in tune with what we say or what we do and he can be easily upset or frightened. For example, we were driving home from D's parents a few weeks ago and there was a car on the highway that started to have major problems. I am not sure if two tires blew but it was moving erratically and was trying to pull over. I gasped loudly and LB immediately started sobbing. I think he saw the car as well and then my reaction sent him into freak out mode. I think I've gotten a lot better at not gasping but I still do it from time to time and the second it comes out of my mouth I regret it and start cursing myself. Sometimes LB will barely bump his leg and will start crying and screaming like he fell off the roof. The reaction doesn't match the situation is the best way I can describe it. I think he has gotten a lot better, especially as his noise sensitivities have decreased and his language skills have increased, but it's still there. At times I get sad and wish he could be more laid back and worry less about things. He's only a kid. But some would say being highly sensitive can have it's advantages too. Ahem.

I was reading one of my favorite blogs for parenting advice, One Thankful Mom, and she posted about her son, who also has sensory processing issues, and a tip they have used to manage his extreme reactions. Jackpot! She framed it as big problems versus small problems. So I started using it. LB would fall outside in the grass and start to get mad. I would tell him, "It's a small problem so you don't have to worry." Or he would drop a toy and start to scream and I would say, "It's a small problem. Let's just pick it up." And I just started constantly talking about how things were small problems. It only took a few days and he was completely on board. He would start to overreact and I would tell him, "LB, it's a small problem. We can fix it." And the crying or screaming would stop and he would repeat, "It's a small problem." He also has started asking me, "Mommy, is it a small problem?" Yesterday, I banged my elbow on the wall and he asked, "Are you okay? Is it a small problem?" And I assured him that it was and he went about his business. He even created his own level of a problem, which he refers to as a "super tiny problem." He says it in a high pitched voice and it's adorable and sweet. I talk about how running into the street is a big problem or trying to climb the fridge is a big problem. It's been helpful in working on a behavior issues we've been having with him running too far away in situations that aren't safe. I try to give him lots of room to run but there are times when he needs to stay close or hold hands and he struggles with that. Yesterday, we were at the mall before meeting LB's old OT for lunch. (I love that we have become friends and still see each other even though LB is no longer in therapy.) I wasn't making him hold my hand because I wanted him to run some energy off before we went inside the restaurant. But he got too far and I asked him to freeze and he didn't. I caught up to him and explained it would be a BIG problem if we lost each other. And then we practiced freezing. He would walk ahead a little and I would say "freeze." And he would stop and either wait for me to catch up or run back closer to me. We did it several times and he listened very well. I heaped on the positive reenforcement and you could tell from his smile that he was proud of himself.

I have to think that small problems versus big problems would be helpful for a lot of kids, even for ones who aren't on high alert. Let's face it, most toddlers overreact from time to time. It's kind of what they are famous for. Give it a try. Let me know if you find it to be helpful.

LB and his OT. Two Angels.

Inspired

On Saturday I had the day all to myself. Let me repeat. All to myself. LB and I had returned from Tulsa a few days prior and I think D recognized how nice it was to have a few days to himself. So he suggested (all by himself with no prodding) that he take LB to see his parents for the day and I stay back and do whatever. Yes. Please. I got my first pedicure of the season, I strolled through the aisles of Whole Foods and I went to my favorite cafe and ordered my favorite dark chocolate truffle cookie and I read my new favorite book. I felt spoiled. So this book. Let's talk about it. I loved it. I loved it in the way I've loved anything written by Anne Lamott. And that's saying a lot. I finished the book in 2 days. I kind of want to read it again already. I recently discovered the author's blog, Momastery. I think it's wonderful. It's not for everyone but it's for me. She speaks to me. I think what makes her great is that even though our lives have followed a very different path, she's a recovering alcoholic and bulimic and has 3 biological children, her writing is still very relatable. Of course, she is also relatable because we are both middle class white women who were raised by two amazing people. I forget sometimes the role that can play. But, we've all struggled in our lives, right? We've had moments when we couldn't bear to get out of bed. Literally.

Her book has inspired me to write more. I am not sure what I have to say or what I feel comfortable putting out there on the internet but I want to write more. Some days maybe it will just be about fun crafts I did with LB or silly things he has said. Or maybe I'll share about some of my struggles with anxiety or my ongoing healing process from infertility or other things I feel passionate about. Like Glennon, I know I always feel better when I open up to someone and pave the way for them to open up as well. I've read some articles and chatted with friends too about how social media outlets like Facebook and Instagram make it seem like we all live these perfect lives. And if we start comparing our lives to what others share on Facebook or Instagram then our lives always seem less fun or harder or lonelier than everyone else's. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing photos of my friends' kids or reading articles that others have shared but if we want others to be real then we have to take that leap of faith and be real too. No one's life is perfect but so often we feel the need to portray that it is. Some of the best conversations I've had with friends have been when we've let go of all that crap and just talked about the struggles. Sometimes that's hard for me. But I like to listen and I like to share. I believe in the power of extending grace to another person and remembering to extend it to myself as well. Maybe this space can be a place for me to do that. Listen and Share. Live and Learn. Maybe no one is out there, except my mom and my sister. (Hi Mom and Abs.) But that's okay. I need to write for me. Anne Lamott said, "Your problem is how you are going to spend this one and precious life you have been issued. Whether you're going to spend it trying to look good and creating the illusion that you have power over circumstances, or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it and find out the truth about who you are."

I hope I can work towards finding the dark chocolate truffle cookie moments amidst the struggles and hopefully be there for someone else as they search for their own beauty and truth. Or at least offer to share my cookie with them. And as Glennon says, "Love wins." I believe that to be true.
Namaste.

Pre-school Gymnastics

We are very lucky to be close to a few community centers that have a lot of great offerings for young kids. Most of them are really reasonably priced and I plan on taking full advantage this winter. I like having some structure to our day and I think LB does too. This winter we have an activity that gets us out of the house every morning except Fridays. It's a good system and I plan on sticking with it.

A few weeks ago, I signed LB up for a pre-school gymnastics at the rec center that is 5 minutes from our house. It's a 6 week course and only cost $25. I figured even if it was awful and boring then I was only out $25. My hope was that it would give LB some confidence in his gross motor skills and be a way to use some energy during these cold months. LB is actually quite coordinated and strong but his cautious nature has held him back from exploring his physical abilities. As you might have guessed, LB was a little hesitant to go. The whole drive there he kept saying, "Me no go to nastics class." I kept telling him he would love it and that we were going. As soon as we walked in the gym, LB was no longer singing that tune. The teacher sets up some equipment for the kids to play with for the first 20 minutes of class. Then they do a circle time, which consists of being led through some stretching and singing songs that involve movement. Next they do a new skill and the teacher has them line up and each kid gets a turn. The first week it was doing a "pencil roll" down a ramp and last week it was walking across a low balance beam and yesterday she helped them flip their legs over a bar. Of course, getting the kids to line up can be a challenge but I think it's good practice and so far LB enjoys watching other kids do the skill so he doesn't mind waiting. They end with bringing out a big parachute and they make waves and a tent and get the opportunity to run under it while the parents have it lifted. LB won't do that part because it gets a little crazy and noisy (massive understatement!). I don't blame him. He hangs out with me and helps lift the parachute for the other kids. And in his defense, he isn't the only kid who opts out of the craziness. I tell myself it's because he is so smart.

The class is half over and I am ready to sign up again for January. I've already noticed a change in LB after just 3 classes. He is gaining confidence and is more willing to try new things. He's letting go of some fears. The first class he wouldn't let the teacher help him with the "pencil roll" and wanted me to do it. The second class it was the same thing. He wanted to hold my hand to walk the beam. I get it. I am his safe person and am happy to oblige. However, this week he completely surprised me. The instructor had a kid, who took the class before, demonstrate to hold on to the bar and lift their legs to the teachers hands. Then the teacher helped them flip their legs over and be upright on the bar. I thought to myself that there was no way LB was going to do it. A couple of kids went up, including one of his buddies from school, and everyone would clap after each kid tried it. The teacher said, "Okay, who is next?" And LB stands up, with all the confidence in the world, and walks right up to the teacher. I would venture to say that he strutted. I was in shock. He put his hands on the bar and she lifted him over. After he got down, he ran to me and shouted, "My did it!" It was awesome. Completely and totally awesome.

At his first class, I snapped some pictures of LB so I could show D the things we did in class. They aren't the best but you get the idea.

"You Are What They Need."

Earlier this summer, I attended a parenting workshop at my friend's church. It was about dealing with your own fears as a parent and with your kid's fears. This workshop was designed for me. I've been known to let my fears and anxiety get the best of me and LB is definitely not one of those fearless kids. It always makes me shake my head when I see a kid LB's age or even younger at a park climbing up high or going down a twisty, tunnel slide and the parent says, "he's fearless." That has not been my experience as a parent at all. LB is very thoughtful, cautious and aware of his surroundings. He often needs encouraging and pushing to try something new. He's an observer. He just started going down the twisty slides, "all by me self." The woman who ran the workshop told us she wanted us to remember to this one thing she was going to say. And if we didn't take away anything else from the session that was fine but we needed to hold on to this one thing. "You are what they need." She repeated it several times. "You are what they need." It really hit home with me. It's so easy to get overwhelmed and over think every situation. Keep it simple. I need that reminder over and over again.

I don't know about you but one of the parts about being a parent that perplexes me the most is when to push LB to try something he is afraid of and when to hold back. D has told me the story of his first soccer game several times. His mom was the coach and D did not want to go out on the field. In the end, his mom essentially had to drag him out on to the field to play. Soccer ended up being a huge part of D's life and he played all through college. Perhaps if his mom hadn't dragged him out on the field he would have worked up the courage on his own a few weeks or months later and everything still would have worked out. Who knows? But the point is that I think D looks back on that as a moment when he was grateful that his mom wouldn't take no for an answer and wouldn't let his fears win.

As an adoptive parent, I feel that I have had to put in the extra effort for LB to know that he is safe. We weren't there for him during those important early months of development. We weren't there to meet his every need as an infant and to develop what Dr. Purvis calls, "felt safety." In the first several months that we brought LB home we were the only ones to feed LB, put him to sleep, change his diaper, etc. He didn't understand with our words that we were his parents so we had to show him through our actions. I think that idea of "felt safety" is always at the back of my mind, which puts me more often than not in the don't push him category of dealing with fears. But it's a constant question running through my mind and I have a feeling that it never goes away, even when your kids are grown and out of the house.

When my parents were here in August we took LB to the zoo one day. They have a merry go round and LB usually shows interest in doing it. However, when you get close and in line he starts to back off and say he doesn't want to do it. The past couple of times I have convinced him to do it but he insists that we sit on the bench and not on a horse. When we went to the zoo with D's parents and LB's cousins over a year ago he got on the horse no problem. I am not sure if that is because his cousins did it so he felt like he needed to or if he just didn't have the maturity to be skeptical. However, ever since then he has refused to ride on the horse. This most recent visit was no different. We got in line, he didn't want to do it and I convinced him to sit on the bench.

As we went around and around, I talked to him about the horses. I explained they were nice and just went up and down. I also thought of what the woman said at the parenting workshop and so I said to him over and over, "Mommy keeps you safe." We finished, he said he had fun and we went to check out the gorillas. As we were walking back, we passed the merry go round again. LB said he wanted to do it and that he wanted to ride the horse. I assumed we would get close and he would change his mind. My mom said she would do it with him and he continued to say he wanted to ride the horse. So my mom put him on the horse and he smiled. A really big, proud smile. My mom said that he told her, "Me so happy." Needless to say, as they went around and around and LB waved and smiled at me each time, I cried and cried. I was so proud of him. I know it may seem minor but to watch him conquer something he's been wanting to do but was afraid of was truly magical.

There have been a few other instances since then when I've told him that, "Mommy keeps you safe." And he always repeats back to me, "Same as the merry go round." Clearly, it was just as big of a moment for him as it was for me. 

"You are what they need."