No-Natal Yoga

I started getting interested in yoga about eight years ago. I was going through a period of my life where I was experiencing a lot of anxiety. Most of that anxiety was related to unhappiness at work and the high levels of stress that went along with that job. I hope to one day soon work up the courage to write about that time and my struggle with anxiety but that's for another day. But I consistently went to a yoga class on Saturday mornings during that time and it was like going to therapy for $15/session. I still remember some of the things the instructor would say about letting go, being kind to yourself and living in the moment. Fast forward a few years and I was handling my anxiety much better and D and I were ready to start a family. One of the things I remember being most excited about when we decided to start trying to conceive was signing up for a pre-natal yoga class. It felt like a right of passage. You go buy the "What to Expect When You're Expecting" book, you start reading up on baby names and you sign up for pre-natal yoga. That's what you do when you get pregnant. I was ready. As the wait to do all those things continued, I would still go to the websites of my favorite yoga studios and check when their next round of pre-natal classes would be. I remember thinking to myself, "Maybe I'll get to sign up for that session." It was a form of a self torture. I don't know why I did it to myself.

When we decided to put an end to the roller coaster of trying to conceive and made the decision to adopt I knew I would have to work through the emotions of letting go of one dream and moving on to another. I had to spend some time grieving those losses so that I could face the adoption journey with an open heart and mind. Most of those losses are what you would expect. I wouldn't get to experience the excitement of a positive pregnancy test or feel my baby kick in my belly or experience breastfeeding. I mourned those losses. Thankfully, I got to replace them with other amazing memories like our referral call and meeting LB for the first time. But I specifically remember telling my therapist, "I'm a little sad I'll never get to do pre-natal yoga. I was really looking forward to it." Even though I felt a little silly saying it she assured me that's is just part of the letting go process. It was something I wanted to do and now I had to set it aside.

Fast forward again to a few months ago. I had signed LB up for pre-school gymnastics and that met meeting some new moms. One of the new moms I met happens to be a yoga instructor at a studio that I've been to several times. After realizing that I thought she was pretty cool, as most yoga instructors seem to be, I went to the studio's website to look up when she taught. I clicked on her bio and learned that she teaches most of the pre-natal yoga classes at that studio. And there it was. I hadn't thought about pre-natal yoga in years. I truly had put it behind me. But there was a reminder and I found myself exhaling deeply and remembering how much I wanted to do that someday. I wasn't overcome with a deep sadness or anything, no tears were shed, but it was just a reminder of that time and how hard it was. Last week I went to a really great farm in our area with LB and two other mom friends and their boys. One of the mom friends is the yoga instructor I met through gymnastics. We were having a great time and our kids were running all over the place and us moms were chatting about this and that when all of a sudden an idea came over me. I started to tell them about my previous desire to take a pre-natal yoga class and how I used to torture myself by looking up classes and wondering if I would ever be able to sign up. I told her how I do still wonder what it's all about and what kinds of things they do in class. I asked her if one day she would be willing to do a mini pre-natal yoga class with me even though there is nothing natal going on with my body. She didn't hesitate and said "Absolutely!" I was touched. It meant a lot that she was so willing to help me check something off my bucket list even though I don't technically fill the criteria. But who cares about criteria, right! Who says I can't do pre-natal yoga! So we're working on a time and she is going to reserve space at the studio and I am going to experience pre-natal yoga. Healing is a good thing. So is asking for help.

I'm so grateful for my little yogi and all the healing he has brought to my life. These days I will ask him, "Who made me a mommy?" And he'll answer with a big smile on his face, "I did."

Namaste.

Your Loss is Real

Every now and then I get inspired to write about the time in our lives when we were trying to conceive. But I'm often met with this uneasy feeling in my stomach when it comes time to publish the post. Obviously, part of that is because all those feelings are so deeply personal and awful that putting them out there is scary. The other part is that it seems silly to go back to that time when in the end we did get our dream come true. But I also know that when we were going through that terrible period, I found great solace and comfort in those women who were brave enough to put their emotions out there and to know I wasn't alone. I've decide that if something I write reaches just one person who needed it then all those butterflies currently in my stomach are worth it. Taking deep breaths. Here it goes.

A friend of mine posted on Facebook that she recently started re-watching old episodes of Ally McBeal. I smiled when I read that because I have a lot of fond memories of watching that show. I was actually living in Japan and was desperate for any American TV. The movie rental place near my apartment had all the seasons of Ally and ER so each night I would come home from work and I would either watch Ally or ER and be so happy to hear a little English. I noticed we had Ally McBeal as an option to stream on Netflix so one night, a little over a month ago, I watched the first episode of season 1 and have been hooked ever since. I had to take a brief hiatus during the Olympics but I have a date with my couch, a bowl of ice cream and an episode of Ally tonight. I'm now in the middle of season 2 but there was an episode in season 1 that inspired this post. Most of the main characters in the show are single but there is one married couple. The guy, Billy, is actually Ally's ex-boyfriend from high school and college. He left Ally to be with his wife, Georgia, but all of that happens before the show begins and you learn this in the first few episodes. Now they all work together. Drama! Well, in this particular episode Georgia thinks she is pregnant. It was not planned. (Side note: the idea of an unplanned pregnancy always annoyed the heck of me. PuhLease. We all know how it happens so if you didn't do anything to stop it then what were you expecting. Sorry. Bygones.) As young attorneys beginning their careers, it comes as a bit of a shock. As they talk about it though they both start to get more and more excited about the life they have created. Georgia eventually takes a blood test and finds out that the pregnancy test was wrong and she was never actually pregnant. Initially, they agree they are both sad but decide that the timing was wrong anyways so it was probably for the best. Later on in the show Billy finds Georgia in the bathroom crying. Billy is typically one of my least favorite characters (I prefer the silly antics of John Cage) but the line Billy delivers really hit home. Georgia is feeling silly for crying over a pregnancy that never existed in the first place. He says to her, "The pregnancy isn't real. But the loss is real." I can't tell you how many times I convinced myself that I was pregnant. I would start to calculate when the baby would be due and what it would be like to tell friends and family that we were expecting and would the baby get my blue eyes or D's brown eyes and I could go on and on. And then I wouldn't be pregnant and I would feel like such a fool for allowing my mind to go to all those places. I often thought to myself that it was silly to cry over something that never existed. I never showed myself enough grace to recognize that the loss was real. Thank you, Billy. Now quit being so selfish and give Ally space so she can get over you!

In case you need to hear this today, your loss is real. Whatever it may be. Don't feel silly or dumb for grieving about something that seems so out of reach. I know it's easy for me to say. I write this on the eve of when LB was placed in our arms forever. But I've been there. I'm so sorry you are going through it too. Your loss is real.

Mixed Feelings

"I do not at all understand the mystery of grace - only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us." - Anne Lamott

Mother's Day is one of those holidays that I have mixed feelings about it. However, after a lot of reflection over the past couple of days I have decided that it's okay to feel that way. Mixed. I don't need to make sense of it and I don't have to chose one feeling over the other. I get caught up in that need to choose sometimes. But I can feel sadness, empathy, grace and gratitude all at the same time. Not that long ago Mother's Day was filled with so much anguish and grief that it was overwhelmingly hard. Yesterday and in the days leading up to Mother's Day I felt a lot of that deep sadness. I felt it for the women who are going through what I went through and for all women out there hoping that someday they will be a mom. I felt sadness for friends who have lost their mothers and for friends who have lost their babies. I remembered the faces of the children I met in Ethiopia who would do anything to feel the love of a mother. I prayed for the little girl in Addis who held my hand and asked if she could be my daughter. And, of course, I thought of the woman who gave LB life. It's all so messy because I also experienced an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my sweet boy. I felt deep happiness. I am so lucky to be his mom and to have people in my life who made me feel extra special yesterday. I can't deny that I loved that. I loved the cards and texts and Facebook messages and gifts. I also can't deny that I am grateful to truly feel that empathy and sadness. In the end, infertility made me a better version of myself. It helped me to think more about my words, to judge less and to reach out more to people who are struggling. It taught me that in tough times it's okay to show myself a little grace and to extend that grace to other people. I don't always get it right but I am glad that yesterday I allowed myself to live in the middle of it all. I let it just be.

My mom. And the boy who made me a mom. Thankful.

Return - Shoes

I don't look back on the years that D and I went through infertility with too many fond memories. I mostly remember being curled up on the couch, under my red fleece blanket, feeling sorry for myself. However, I did learn a really valuable lesson during that time that I hope stays with me. If you have ever been through infertility then you are probably familiar with the phenomenon of pregnant women coming out of the woodwork to haunt and taunt you. Of course, I know those pregnant women were always there but when you want something so badly it seems everyone else has it but you. I know my mother-in-law told me that when she went through an illness that kept her from eating regular food she became aware of how many commercials, street billboards, daily conversations, etc. are related to food. It was torture for her and I could relate. It seemed when I went to the grocery story there was at least one pregnant woman per aisle. Or when we went out to dinner we were always seated next to the couple that was expecting. To top it off, my office was above an Ob/Gyn office. So everyday I saw women with their perfectly round bellies going in and out of the building or I saw couples standing outside rejoicing over ultrasound pictures. Baby showers were the worst. I had several wonderful friends in Columbus that were expecting and sadly some of those friendships were strained for a while. Thankfully, those same women are still some of my closest friends and have been incredibly supportive to me as a new mom.

During that time I started chatting more frequently with a friend from high school who was also having trouble conceiving. She actually already had a daughter but was going through hell to try and conceive again. She had several ectopic pregnancies and at one point had to be rushed to the hospital and lost one of her fallopian tubes. This friend did eventually get pregnant again and carried her baby to term. I was so incredibly happy for her and her husband and that all of their heartache eventually led to a healthy baby boy. I think it was this friendship that allowed me to start looking at other pregnant women that followed me through the grocery store a little differently. I started to make up stories about each of them. I would tell myself that maybe the lady on aisle 4 had to go through multiple IVF cycles to finally achieve a pregnancy. And maybe the slightly older pregnant lady on aisle 7 waited a long time to fall in love and this pregnancy was an unexpected gift to her and her new husband. Perhaps the pretty blonde in the produce section struggled with eating disorders for years and was finally healthy and happy. I know it seems strange to assign heartache to each woman but I do think we all have our own struggles so it allowed me to feel compassion instead of envy. Perhaps all of them conceived without any trouble at all but the point is that their lives have probably not been perfect. At some point we will all have to overcome adversity. So reminding myself of that helped with my own pain. We certainly never know what it is like to walk in another person's shoes.