Inspired

On Saturday I had the day all to myself. Let me repeat. All to myself. LB and I had returned from Tulsa a few days prior and I think D recognized how nice it was to have a few days to himself. So he suggested (all by himself with no prodding) that he take LB to see his parents for the day and I stay back and do whatever. Yes. Please. I got my first pedicure of the season, I strolled through the aisles of Whole Foods and I went to my favorite cafe and ordered my favorite dark chocolate truffle cookie and I read my new favorite book. I felt spoiled. So this book. Let's talk about it. I loved it. I loved it in the way I've loved anything written by Anne Lamott. And that's saying a lot. I finished the book in 2 days. I kind of want to read it again already. I recently discovered the author's blog, Momastery. I think it's wonderful. It's not for everyone but it's for me. She speaks to me. I think what makes her great is that even though our lives have followed a very different path, she's a recovering alcoholic and bulimic and has 3 biological children, her writing is still very relatable. Of course, she is also relatable because we are both middle class white women who were raised by two amazing people. I forget sometimes the role that can play. But, we've all struggled in our lives, right? We've had moments when we couldn't bear to get out of bed. Literally.

Her book has inspired me to write more. I am not sure what I have to say or what I feel comfortable putting out there on the internet but I want to write more. Some days maybe it will just be about fun crafts I did with LB or silly things he has said. Or maybe I'll share about some of my struggles with anxiety or my ongoing healing process from infertility or other things I feel passionate about. Like Glennon, I know I always feel better when I open up to someone and pave the way for them to open up as well. I've read some articles and chatted with friends too about how social media outlets like Facebook and Instagram make it seem like we all live these perfect lives. And if we start comparing our lives to what others share on Facebook or Instagram then our lives always seem less fun or harder or lonelier than everyone else's. Don't get me wrong, I love seeing photos of my friends' kids or reading articles that others have shared but if we want others to be real then we have to take that leap of faith and be real too. No one's life is perfect but so often we feel the need to portray that it is. Some of the best conversations I've had with friends have been when we've let go of all that crap and just talked about the struggles. Sometimes that's hard for me. But I like to listen and I like to share. I believe in the power of extending grace to another person and remembering to extend it to myself as well. Maybe this space can be a place for me to do that. Listen and Share. Live and Learn. Maybe no one is out there, except my mom and my sister. (Hi Mom and Abs.) But that's okay. I need to write for me. Anne Lamott said, "Your problem is how you are going to spend this one and precious life you have been issued. Whether you're going to spend it trying to look good and creating the illusion that you have power over circumstances, or whether you are going to taste it, enjoy it and find out the truth about who you are."

I hope I can work towards finding the dark chocolate truffle cookie moments amidst the struggles and hopefully be there for someone else as they search for their own beauty and truth. Or at least offer to share my cookie with them. And as Glennon says, "Love wins." I believe that to be true.
Namaste.

A Big Step

I took a big step today. I should clarify that the step was big for me. I contacted a babysitter. Feel free to laugh at me for being so dramatic. But it's been something I have been wanting to do but have been fearful of doing for a long time. I realize that I am incredibly grateful to even have this fear because I've been able to stay at home with LB. I know the majority of moms after a period of time have to go back to work. That fact is not lost on me. I'm not sure if my fear of leaving him with a sitter is at all connected to the fact that he joined our family at 7 months old instead of 1 day old. My only experience as a mom is the one I've had with him. It's impossible for me to know if I would be this cautious if we had brought him home from the hospital. I knew that in his first year home D and I would have limited opportunity to go out on dates. Not only because we felt he wouldn't be ready in terms of attachment but because we don't have family in town. D's parents are only an hour away but it isn't like they live around the corner. And my parents are 13 hours away. We've been lucky in that whenever my mom visits she always encourages us to go out. LB is extremely comfortable with her and I could leave without a single worry and know that he would feel safe and comfortable. But we are coming up on LB's two year adoption day anniversary and I could probably count on my hands the number of times D and I have been out just the two of us. I don't want to come off like a complete mommy martyr because I've certainly had my fair share of girl's night out evenings and other opportunities like yoga classes to have some time to myself or with girlfriends. D has done guy's night outs as well but there is something to be said for time away as a couple.

One thing that I think has helped lessen the blow of not going out has been LB's early bedtime. The information we got from the nannies at LB's foster home was that he went to bed at 7pm. So when we brought him home we stuck with that early bedtime. After he was asleep then D and I would have dinner just the two of us and it felt a lot like our life pre-LB. It gave us time to talk about our day and relax. We continued that early bed time for quite some time and just recently did he start transitioning to an 8pm bedtime. My mom was in town the past couple of days so D and I went out Saturday night. We had a gift certificate to a fancy restaurant and we had such a wonderful time eating our food at a leisurely pace and just enjoying each other's company. LB will be two and a half in a week and his language skills are exploding. We are at a point where I can tell him that "we are leaving for a little bit but will be back soon" and I'm confident that he understands. That ability to communicate gives me peace of mind. The other thing that gives me peace of mind is LB's love of teenage girls. No joke. He develops crushes pretty quickly. About 2 months ago there was a 13 year old girl at the park who was really great with the little kids. LB just followed her around with the biggest grin on his face and he is still talking about her even though we only met her once. The babysitter that I am hoping to use is a very mature 16 year old girl. We know her dad really well as he finished our basement and they live just a few blocks away. There is a ten year age difference between her and her younger sister so she has first hand experience with all things toddler. The first time LB met her it was clear he was smitten. Yes, we know we are in deep trouble considering he is already girl crazy at the tender age of two. I know she will be wonderful with LB and that he'll love spending time with her.

D has a birthday coming up and we've been invited to a few weddings later this summer and truthfully it would be nice to have the ability to go have a beer or two with D on a random Saturday night. I also have been thinking about signing LB up for a mom's day out program at a nearby pre-school, which would be one morning a week, this fall. So it's time to start testing the waters of leaving him with someone other than mom, dad or a grandparent. He's a social kid so I think I need to give him a little more credit.

Wish me luck. I'll need it.

Discipline Post #124

I feel like I write about discipline too much. But I think a lot about it and it has been such an evolving process for us in finding out what works and what doesn't. I didn't expect this pre-parenting. LB is a great kid and a lot of his sensory issues that used to make going out more complicated are vastly improved! Things that would been melt down inducing last year are turning into great experiences this year. I'm so grateful! But the fact is that LB is a two year old so it makes sense that a lot of what we have to focus on during this stage is modeling good behavior and putting in place appropriate consequences for not so good behavior. I cannot express enough how much better things have been since we eliminated time out. I have to say that it has also been really good for D and me. One of the biggest things we tend to argue about is discipline and time out was no exception. Did the behavior justify a time-out? How long should he be in time-out? How do we get him to sit in one spot? It just seemed we were never in sync with time out. Honestly, discipline methods have been a hot button issue for us the past year or so. I have always felt like D and I make a good team. We rarely argue about a lot of the typical stuff that couples tend to clash about like money, careers, housework, the toilet seat, etc. But this discipline thing really threw us for a loop and I really dislike feeling like we are on opposing teams. Since I am home with LB all day, I will sometimes develop a method for handling a bad behavior and then there isn't always time to communicate that to D and he will come home and do something differently and then we aren't being consistent and them I am annoyed and he is annoyed and now this sentence is a major run on but you get the idea. Exhausting! Implementing and modifying the techniques in "Love & Logic" along with suggestions from "The Connected Child" have worked miracles! It's like this weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Of course, D and I are not perfect and it's unrealistic to think that we will see eye to eye 100% of the time but the change is palpable.

Here's what's been working.

I talked about this in my last post on discipline but saying "bye bye" to toys is awesome. It works so well for LB. Basically whenever he does something he isn't supposed to like throw, hit or scream then a toy goes on top of the fridge. If he throws a toy then obviously that toy goes away. If he didn't throw something in anger but just in carelessness then we ask him to "try again" and put the toy away in the bin or to hand it to one of us gently. Then he gets lots of praise when he tries again correctly. If he is screaming about something then we usually put one of his beloved stuffed animals or a ball (his major obsession) up on the fridge. The first couple of times it was ugly and he cried and screamed a lot but now that he knows what will happen he is better about correcting the behavior. (Of course, we still have moments when he gets really mad about a toy going bye bye but it all depends on the situation.) The toy has to stay up there a while and then we ceremoniously bring it down and congratulate him on his good behavior. I also ask him why the toy went bye bye. He always tells me correctly and yesterday he added that the toy will go bye bye again if he screams. Yes! A few days ago, D came home from work and he picked up LB. LB noticed his bunny up on the fridge and pointed to it. D asked him why it was up on the fridge and LB said in sad voice, "screams. no screams." He gets it and has internalized it. We had a funny incident with that bunny recently. LB was doing something, probably screaming, and I asked him to stop and he did not. So I said to him, "Okay it sounds like bunny needs to go bye bye." I reached out my arm to get bunny and he handed it to me and said "thank you" in a voice like I was doing him a favor. Ha! And then he was fine and went about playing happily. I really wanted to laugh but forced myself to keep a straight face. There are times when he will try and negotiate what toy goes on the fridge but I always tell him that I get to choose. He will sometimes randomly remember about a toy that went "bye bye" and will tell me about it. I really think he gets it and that it is motivation for him to not scream, hit or throw. He's been doing better in all those areas.

We also do a lot of counting. LB learned to count to ten a few months ago and he loves doing it. For example, if he's playing and doesn't want to come to the table to eat dinner then we'll say, "Okay, we are going to count to ten and then it's time to eat." About 8 times out of 10 that works and he makes the transition. As I mentioned above, LB is honing his negotiation skills and he'll often request that we "count ten" if he wants to do something a little longer. I almost always comply because who cares if he does something for ten more seconds. If all it takes is ten seconds to avoid a tantrum then I am all for it! He also requests to do things "one more time." The other night it was time to stop playing and read books before bed. LB wanted to keep shooting hoops so D told him "two more times." LB's negotiation back was, "one week?" He's a tough customer! LB is definitely starting in on the pre-bed stalling tactics.

I remember from our pre-adoption videos that Dr. Purvis was big on using eye contact. D must have really internalized that advice because he has always been better about asking LB to "look at my eyes" before asking him to try again or talking about better behavior. I forget that step sometimes but have been working on it. At first, LB would really try and avoid the eye contact when it had to with discipline. Other wise he is great about eye contact. But I have noticed that he is now much better at looking at me. I think it makes a difference. Dr. Purvis also talked about setting expectations ahead of time as much as possible. Last week we had a scheduled play date so I talked to LB before our friends came over about how his friend would probably want to play with his trucks and that we were going to share. I told him we might take his wagon to the park and that he would need to share his wagon. At first, he gave me a look of disapproval about sharing the wagon but we talked about how it would be fun and that they would each have a seat. When they came over LB went straight to his trucks and handed one to his friend. He also shared the wagon without any protest. I have to think it is because we talked about it and I reassured him he would get them all back. We do this when we are going to the park too. LB loves to bring balls to the park and we always talk about how we will share the ball with other kids. He has been really compliant and actually enjoys kicking or throwing the ball back and forth with another kid.

The other thing that I find to be really hard about discipline is follow through. When D was off work a few weeks ago we explored a new park. LB really loved it because they have sand and a huge green area to just run to his heart's content. At one point he went to get in line to go down the slide. He and another boy got there at about the same time but the boy was a little more aggressive about getting in front. LB screamed really loudly at the kid. I pulled LB aside and told him not to scream and if he screamed again we were leaving. Well, he screamed again just a few minutes later. So I picked him up and we headed to the car. He was crying and kicking and trying to get out of my arms but I stood my ground and told him we were leaving. He cried for the first couple minutes of the car ride and we just kept saying over and over that it was really sad that we had to leave because of screams. He finally quieted down and sat there silently for a few minutes. Then he said, without prompting, "sorry mommy," in a really sweet voice. I loved that he said sorry on his own. The next week I told him we were going to meet friends at the new park with the sand. He looked at me for a minute and then said, "no screams." WOW!!! Clearly, it made an impression. I was thrilled. And he did great and had fun. So did I.

See ya time-out. I am putting you on the top of the fridge and will not miss you at all!