Discipline Post #124

I feel like I write about discipline too much. But I think a lot about it and it has been such an evolving process for us in finding out what works and what doesn't. I didn't expect this pre-parenting. LB is a great kid and a lot of his sensory issues that used to make going out more complicated are vastly improved! Things that would been melt down inducing last year are turning into great experiences this year. I'm so grateful! But the fact is that LB is a two year old so it makes sense that a lot of what we have to focus on during this stage is modeling good behavior and putting in place appropriate consequences for not so good behavior. I cannot express enough how much better things have been since we eliminated time out. I have to say that it has also been really good for D and me. One of the biggest things we tend to argue about is discipline and time out was no exception. Did the behavior justify a time-out? How long should he be in time-out? How do we get him to sit in one spot? It just seemed we were never in sync with time out. Honestly, discipline methods have been a hot button issue for us the past year or so. I have always felt like D and I make a good team. We rarely argue about a lot of the typical stuff that couples tend to clash about like money, careers, housework, the toilet seat, etc. But this discipline thing really threw us for a loop and I really dislike feeling like we are on opposing teams. Since I am home with LB all day, I will sometimes develop a method for handling a bad behavior and then there isn't always time to communicate that to D and he will come home and do something differently and then we aren't being consistent and them I am annoyed and he is annoyed and now this sentence is a major run on but you get the idea. Exhausting! Implementing and modifying the techniques in "Love & Logic" along with suggestions from "The Connected Child" have worked miracles! It's like this weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Of course, D and I are not perfect and it's unrealistic to think that we will see eye to eye 100% of the time but the change is palpable.

Here's what's been working.

I talked about this in my last post on discipline but saying "bye bye" to toys is awesome. It works so well for LB. Basically whenever he does something he isn't supposed to like throw, hit or scream then a toy goes on top of the fridge. If he throws a toy then obviously that toy goes away. If he didn't throw something in anger but just in carelessness then we ask him to "try again" and put the toy away in the bin or to hand it to one of us gently. Then he gets lots of praise when he tries again correctly. If he is screaming about something then we usually put one of his beloved stuffed animals or a ball (his major obsession) up on the fridge. The first couple of times it was ugly and he cried and screamed a lot but now that he knows what will happen he is better about correcting the behavior. (Of course, we still have moments when he gets really mad about a toy going bye bye but it all depends on the situation.) The toy has to stay up there a while and then we ceremoniously bring it down and congratulate him on his good behavior. I also ask him why the toy went bye bye. He always tells me correctly and yesterday he added that the toy will go bye bye again if he screams. Yes! A few days ago, D came home from work and he picked up LB. LB noticed his bunny up on the fridge and pointed to it. D asked him why it was up on the fridge and LB said in sad voice, "screams. no screams." He gets it and has internalized it. We had a funny incident with that bunny recently. LB was doing something, probably screaming, and I asked him to stop and he did not. So I said to him, "Okay it sounds like bunny needs to go bye bye." I reached out my arm to get bunny and he handed it to me and said "thank you" in a voice like I was doing him a favor. Ha! And then he was fine and went about playing happily. I really wanted to laugh but forced myself to keep a straight face. There are times when he will try and negotiate what toy goes on the fridge but I always tell him that I get to choose. He will sometimes randomly remember about a toy that went "bye bye" and will tell me about it. I really think he gets it and that it is motivation for him to not scream, hit or throw. He's been doing better in all those areas.

We also do a lot of counting. LB learned to count to ten a few months ago and he loves doing it. For example, if he's playing and doesn't want to come to the table to eat dinner then we'll say, "Okay, we are going to count to ten and then it's time to eat." About 8 times out of 10 that works and he makes the transition. As I mentioned above, LB is honing his negotiation skills and he'll often request that we "count ten" if he wants to do something a little longer. I almost always comply because who cares if he does something for ten more seconds. If all it takes is ten seconds to avoid a tantrum then I am all for it! He also requests to do things "one more time." The other night it was time to stop playing and read books before bed. LB wanted to keep shooting hoops so D told him "two more times." LB's negotiation back was, "one week?" He's a tough customer! LB is definitely starting in on the pre-bed stalling tactics.

I remember from our pre-adoption videos that Dr. Purvis was big on using eye contact. D must have really internalized that advice because he has always been better about asking LB to "look at my eyes" before asking him to try again or talking about better behavior. I forget that step sometimes but have been working on it. At first, LB would really try and avoid the eye contact when it had to with discipline. Other wise he is great about eye contact. But I have noticed that he is now much better at looking at me. I think it makes a difference. Dr. Purvis also talked about setting expectations ahead of time as much as possible. Last week we had a scheduled play date so I talked to LB before our friends came over about how his friend would probably want to play with his trucks and that we were going to share. I told him we might take his wagon to the park and that he would need to share his wagon. At first, he gave me a look of disapproval about sharing the wagon but we talked about how it would be fun and that they would each have a seat. When they came over LB went straight to his trucks and handed one to his friend. He also shared the wagon without any protest. I have to think it is because we talked about it and I reassured him he would get them all back. We do this when we are going to the park too. LB loves to bring balls to the park and we always talk about how we will share the ball with other kids. He has been really compliant and actually enjoys kicking or throwing the ball back and forth with another kid.

The other thing that I find to be really hard about discipline is follow through. When D was off work a few weeks ago we explored a new park. LB really loved it because they have sand and a huge green area to just run to his heart's content. At one point he went to get in line to go down the slide. He and another boy got there at about the same time but the boy was a little more aggressive about getting in front. LB screamed really loudly at the kid. I pulled LB aside and told him not to scream and if he screamed again we were leaving. Well, he screamed again just a few minutes later. So I picked him up and we headed to the car. He was crying and kicking and trying to get out of my arms but I stood my ground and told him we were leaving. He cried for the first couple minutes of the car ride and we just kept saying over and over that it was really sad that we had to leave because of screams. He finally quieted down and sat there silently for a few minutes. Then he said, without prompting, "sorry mommy," in a really sweet voice. I loved that he said sorry on his own. The next week I told him we were going to meet friends at the new park with the sand. He looked at me for a minute and then said, "no screams." WOW!!! Clearly, it made an impression. I was thrilled. And he did great and had fun. So did I.

See ya time-out. I am putting you on the top of the fridge and will not miss you at all!