Let's Make Music Together

Last week we attended LB's final music class of the year. We've been going every Monday since the fall. The program, Music Together, is a 10 week course and the new sessions don't start until January. I cried. Yep, you read that right. The teacher was singing the goodbye song and before I could stop them tears started rolling down my cheeks. I felt so lame but I couldn't help myself. This has been one of the greatest things LB and I have done together. Even now as I type, I want to cry. I'm not sure if it's the brillance of the program itself, or the amazing teacher or simply the power music can have on our souls but LB and I both loved every minute of every class. What it probably comes down to is that I feel immensely grateful to participate in a program like Music Together and to see my son so happy and thriving. Music takes hold of him in a way that nothing else does. Those 45 minutes of music class bring him so much joy that he is either smiling, carefully observing the teacher or dancing the entire time. Watching him participate so willingly and happily each week has been such a gift. In the end, I imagine it was that deep sense of gratitude that caused the tears to flow.

LB fell in love with the teacher, Leigh, at the very first class. I did too. He brings her name up several times a day and has since the moment she picked up her guitar and started to sing, "Hello Everybody." She has a way of making you feel comfortable right from the start. And it turned out we shared some connections that would surface over the first couple of sessions. A few weeks into the class, Leigh mentioned that she would be heading out of state to visit family so we weren't going to have class the following week. She explained that her parents live in Kenya, where her father is a physician, and this would be her only chance this year to see them. It hadn't come up yet that LB was born in Ethiopia so after class I told her and we were both excited that we shared the bond of Africa. We chatted a bit about some unique experiences of being in Africa and how hard it is to explain how poverty, joy, hope and despair all live side by side to people who haven't been there. And how being there really makes you question all "the stuff" we cling to here in the States when our friends in Africa clearly find happiness without. Then Leigh turned to LB and looked him in the eye and said, "We are so glad you are here." It was not in an "America is better and you are better off here" kind of way but in a sincere "I am so glad to know you and to be making music with you" kind of way. I almost cried then. It turns out that our connection to Leigh didn't stop there. A few weeks later, she told us a story about going to her college reunion. The point of her story was how things were going okay and she was having nice conversations with people but it wasn't until the music came on and people started dancing that really paved the way for  the fun to begin and for memories to be made. However, I only half heard her story at that point because I got such an overwhelming feeling that we shared the same alma mater. I knew Earlham's reunion was that weekend and I'm sure several colleges have reunions in the fall. But I just felt with 100% certainty that she went to Earlham. I just couldn't shake that Earlham vibe. After class, I asked her and when "Earlham" came out of her mouth I just wanted to hug her. It's not everyday you meet someone who went to your teeny tiny but incredibly unique college in Eastern Indiana. Leigh is amazing and is definitely a huge part of what makes music class so enjoyable.

Clearly, the other part is the music itself. Music Together provides you with a CD of a collection of 25 songs. They give you two of them so you can have one playing in the car and the other at home. We'll get a new song collection at the next session. And they aren't songs like the itsy bitsy spider but are songs I don't mind listening to in the car even if LB isn't with me. You don't sing all the same songs at every class but Leigh mixes it up each class while still following a similar pattern. I actually wasn't aware there was a pattern until LB pointed it out me around week 3. Yes, he's smarter and more observant than I am. Leigh brings out various instruments throughout class and there is a lot of movement and dancing as well. During the free dance, Leigh will usually pick a song that the parents will enjoy too. Leigh is quick to point out that the kids don't have to be participating in an obvious way to still be learning and benefitting from the music. There are several kids who run around or roll on the floor and don't seem to be listening. However, I was with one of those kids at the park the other day and he was on the swing and was clear as day, in the sweetest voice, singing one of the songs from music class. The connections in the brain are being made just by being there.

One of the things we do in every class is that the second to last song is a lullaby song. The two lullaby songs in the most recent collection were Shenandoah and Shady Grove. She chose Shenandoah for the last class. Leigh turns off the lights and encourages you to cuddle or rock or rub your child's back. LB and I were on the floor, he was curled up and I was rubbing his back and I started to think about how wonderful that moment in class is for attachment. And then I realized it wasn't just confined to that moment but that actually the entire 45 minutes of singing and dancing together is all about attachment. I started to have some regret that we didn't do something like this much sooner. Even though I feel like our attachment went pretty smoothly it still would have been wonderful and helpful, especially given LB's love of music. If you have the opportunity to do this with your child then I couldn't encourage you more. I wish I had thought of music more as an attachment tool in the beginning. Thankfully, attachment is an ongoing process and we are lucky to be doing this now. So on this last day of November, I am especially thankful for music.

"Music in the soul can be heard by the universe."
-Lao Tzu

His Safety Book

Back in September, LB started going to pre-school one morning a week. It is a Parents' Day Out program for two year olds. The idea is that it will be a good introduction to pre-school and that it will make the transition easier when he is three and ready to do school several mornings a week. I wasn't sure how LB would do. He's done great staying at our house with my parents, D's parents and his babysitter. But he is comfortable here at home and going to school is definitely a whole new ball game. I took him several times over the summer just to see the classroom and to give us an opportunity to talk about school and how he will stay with the teacher and play with other kids. I wanted to make sure I found a pre-school that wouldn't be pushy about the parents leaving right away and would work with us in making this transition. When I walked into the preschool I picked for LB, I knew I found the right place. The director was amazing and told me that they have an open door policy and she confided that her oldest daughter really struggled with separation anxiety so she understood how hard it is from first hand experience. I felt pretty confident that if LB was given the opportunity to get comfortable with me close by that he would be okay. Here he is on his official first day.

All summer we watched a show on PBS called Sid the Science Kid. At the beginning of each show, Sid is home for a bit in the morning and then his mom drives him to school. Since LB is obsessed with finding things that are the same, I kept telling him that when he went to school he would be "same as Sid." He latched on to that and I would always make a big deal about Sid getting picked up at school and then going back home. The day arrived and I prepped LB for it a ton. We talked about the schedule and how they would do circle time and craft time and play in the motor room. I took him inside the class and got him settled and then mentioned to one of the teachers that I was leaving. I told LB that we were going to be "same as Sid and that I would be back." LB gave me a kiss and waved and I left. It felt too good to be true. Well.... it was. Several of the moms decided to hang out in the nursery initially just to make sure everything was okay before leaving the building. About 20 minutes later another mom left the classroom and her kid started screaming big time. My heart rate picked up a bit because I knew that the one thing that could derail it for LB would be loud screaming from another kid. He's not a fan of other kids screaming despite his ability for loud screaming. He also feeds off other kids and once that kid started screaming I got a bad feeling about LB. A few minutes later the director came in the nursery to get me. LB had pulled himself together when I walked in the room but was sniffling and clearly upset. He saw me and as he reached his arms toward me he said with such relief, "Me get sad and Mommy come back." My heart was a puddle on the floor. 

In the end, it took a few weeks for LB to adjust. After another failed attempt at leaving, I got the idea to make a book for LB. I remembered someone posting once about providing her kid with photos of his various caretakers during the week. So I decided to take pictures of LB with his teachers and then put those pictures in a book with other people he knows and loves like D and me, his grandparents, my sister, our neighbors, close friends and his OT. I believe pretty strongly that this book ended up being the key to our success. We also worked on a few other catch phrases. "Mommy always comes back." And, "Teachers keep kids safe." LB will scroll through his picture book and say stuff like, "Greema keeps me safe." He also likes to show the pictures of his teachers to other people and tell them their names. LB checks in with me several times a day and repeats, "Mommy always comes back." And I assure him that he is right. It's very sweet and a little sad but mostly sweet. We've had two weeks in a row of successful drop offs at school. The first successful day I was overcome with how proud I was of him. It felt like a major accomplishment. And as my mom said, it's a good thing for kids to learn. They can have other trusted people in their life and learn that their parents will come back. I keep the book out in the living room so that I am reminded to show it to LB a few times a day. 

Here are a few pictures of his safety book.

It's fun to hear his interpretation of the morning and to see the art work he has created. I knew LB would get there and that it would just take some time. And let's face it, I needed time to transition too. 

It feels pretty good to be so attached to this little guy.

"You Are What They Need."

Earlier this summer, I attended a parenting workshop at my friend's church. It was about dealing with your own fears as a parent and with your kid's fears. This workshop was designed for me. I've been known to let my fears and anxiety get the best of me and LB is definitely not one of those fearless kids. It always makes me shake my head when I see a kid LB's age or even younger at a park climbing up high or going down a twisty, tunnel slide and the parent says, "he's fearless." That has not been my experience as a parent at all. LB is very thoughtful, cautious and aware of his surroundings. He often needs encouraging and pushing to try something new. He's an observer. He just started going down the twisty slides, "all by me self." The woman who ran the workshop told us she wanted us to remember to this one thing she was going to say. And if we didn't take away anything else from the session that was fine but we needed to hold on to this one thing. "You are what they need." She repeated it several times. "You are what they need." It really hit home with me. It's so easy to get overwhelmed and over think every situation. Keep it simple. I need that reminder over and over again.

I don't know about you but one of the parts about being a parent that perplexes me the most is when to push LB to try something he is afraid of and when to hold back. D has told me the story of his first soccer game several times. His mom was the coach and D did not want to go out on the field. In the end, his mom essentially had to drag him out on to the field to play. Soccer ended up being a huge part of D's life and he played all through college. Perhaps if his mom hadn't dragged him out on the field he would have worked up the courage on his own a few weeks or months later and everything still would have worked out. Who knows? But the point is that I think D looks back on that as a moment when he was grateful that his mom wouldn't take no for an answer and wouldn't let his fears win.

As an adoptive parent, I feel that I have had to put in the extra effort for LB to know that he is safe. We weren't there for him during those important early months of development. We weren't there to meet his every need as an infant and to develop what Dr. Purvis calls, "felt safety." In the first several months that we brought LB home we were the only ones to feed LB, put him to sleep, change his diaper, etc. He didn't understand with our words that we were his parents so we had to show him through our actions. I think that idea of "felt safety" is always at the back of my mind, which puts me more often than not in the don't push him category of dealing with fears. But it's a constant question running through my mind and I have a feeling that it never goes away, even when your kids are grown and out of the house.

When my parents were here in August we took LB to the zoo one day. They have a merry go round and LB usually shows interest in doing it. However, when you get close and in line he starts to back off and say he doesn't want to do it. The past couple of times I have convinced him to do it but he insists that we sit on the bench and not on a horse. When we went to the zoo with D's parents and LB's cousins over a year ago he got on the horse no problem. I am not sure if that is because his cousins did it so he felt like he needed to or if he just didn't have the maturity to be skeptical. However, ever since then he has refused to ride on the horse. This most recent visit was no different. We got in line, he didn't want to do it and I convinced him to sit on the bench.

As we went around and around, I talked to him about the horses. I explained they were nice and just went up and down. I also thought of what the woman said at the parenting workshop and so I said to him over and over, "Mommy keeps you safe." We finished, he said he had fun and we went to check out the gorillas. As we were walking back, we passed the merry go round again. LB said he wanted to do it and that he wanted to ride the horse. I assumed we would get close and he would change his mind. My mom said she would do it with him and he continued to say he wanted to ride the horse. So my mom put him on the horse and he smiled. A really big, proud smile. My mom said that he told her, "Me so happy." Needless to say, as they went around and around and LB waved and smiled at me each time, I cried and cried. I was so proud of him. I know it may seem minor but to watch him conquer something he's been wanting to do but was afraid of was truly magical.

There have been a few other instances since then when I've told him that, "Mommy keeps you safe." And he always repeats back to me, "Same as the merry go round." Clearly, it was just as big of a moment for him as it was for me. 

"You are what they need." 

A Big Step

I took a big step today. I should clarify that the step was big for me. I contacted a babysitter. Feel free to laugh at me for being so dramatic. But it's been something I have been wanting to do but have been fearful of doing for a long time. I realize that I am incredibly grateful to even have this fear because I've been able to stay at home with LB. I know the majority of moms after a period of time have to go back to work. That fact is not lost on me. I'm not sure if my fear of leaving him with a sitter is at all connected to the fact that he joined our family at 7 months old instead of 1 day old. My only experience as a mom is the one I've had with him. It's impossible for me to know if I would be this cautious if we had brought him home from the hospital. I knew that in his first year home D and I would have limited opportunity to go out on dates. Not only because we felt he wouldn't be ready in terms of attachment but because we don't have family in town. D's parents are only an hour away but it isn't like they live around the corner. And my parents are 13 hours away. We've been lucky in that whenever my mom visits she always encourages us to go out. LB is extremely comfortable with her and I could leave without a single worry and know that he would feel safe and comfortable. But we are coming up on LB's two year adoption day anniversary and I could probably count on my hands the number of times D and I have been out just the two of us. I don't want to come off like a complete mommy martyr because I've certainly had my fair share of girl's night out evenings and other opportunities like yoga classes to have some time to myself or with girlfriends. D has done guy's night outs as well but there is something to be said for time away as a couple.

One thing that I think has helped lessen the blow of not going out has been LB's early bedtime. The information we got from the nannies at LB's foster home was that he went to bed at 7pm. So when we brought him home we stuck with that early bedtime. After he was asleep then D and I would have dinner just the two of us and it felt a lot like our life pre-LB. It gave us time to talk about our day and relax. We continued that early bed time for quite some time and just recently did he start transitioning to an 8pm bedtime. My mom was in town the past couple of days so D and I went out Saturday night. We had a gift certificate to a fancy restaurant and we had such a wonderful time eating our food at a leisurely pace and just enjoying each other's company. LB will be two and a half in a week and his language skills are exploding. We are at a point where I can tell him that "we are leaving for a little bit but will be back soon" and I'm confident that he understands. That ability to communicate gives me peace of mind. The other thing that gives me peace of mind is LB's love of teenage girls. No joke. He develops crushes pretty quickly. About 2 months ago there was a 13 year old girl at the park who was really great with the little kids. LB just followed her around with the biggest grin on his face and he is still talking about her even though we only met her once. The babysitter that I am hoping to use is a very mature 16 year old girl. We know her dad really well as he finished our basement and they live just a few blocks away. There is a ten year age difference between her and her younger sister so she has first hand experience with all things toddler. The first time LB met her it was clear he was smitten. Yes, we know we are in deep trouble considering he is already girl crazy at the tender age of two. I know she will be wonderful with LB and that he'll love spending time with her.

D has a birthday coming up and we've been invited to a few weddings later this summer and truthfully it would be nice to have the ability to go have a beer or two with D on a random Saturday night. I also have been thinking about signing LB up for a mom's day out program at a nearby pre-school, which would be one morning a week, this fall. So it's time to start testing the waters of leaving him with someone other than mom, dad or a grandparent. He's a social kid so I think I need to give him a little more credit.

Wish me luck. I'll need it.

Bye Bye Bottles

Back in February LB made a big transition but I was nervous to post about it because I feared he might revert back. However, that was several months ago and the transition seems permanent. We finally said goodbye to his bottles. It happened kind of naturally and very much on his terms, which I was really happy about. When we brought LB home at seven months of age we knew that we wouldn't be following any sort of typical bottle cut off schedule. However, at the time I definitely didn't envision using them until he was 2. A lot of things factored into using them longer than predicted. He was so tiny when we brought him home and the nannies at the orphanage were waking him in the middle of the night to feed him. It was the right decision because he really needed all the nourishment he could get. He continued with that schedule for about a year after being home. Luckily, it was a pretty easy process. Most nights LB would wake up and I would give him a bottle and then he would go right back down. Of course, I was not a fan of getting up almost every night but he needed it. Our pediatrician was also on board, which I know sometimes doesn't happen, and having her reassurance meant a lot. LB's OT also didn't push us to get rid of them and said that actually he probably got a lot of good sensory output from the sucking.

We also knew that bottle feeding and that time rocking together is really good for bonding and attachment. LB had a lot of anxiety surrounding his bottles the first month or so he was home. He would see the bottle and would cry and cry until it was safely in his mouth. But once it was in his mouth he was so calm and I really enjoyed that quiet time together. Dr. Purvis, author of "The Connected Child," talks a lot about how important it is to take the time to hold your child close and make eye contact. Since we missed out on the first 7 months of his babyhood, I really cherished that time to sit in his rocking chair and tell him over and over how much we love him. Everything stood still in those moments and LB was so peaceful. However, as his second birthday loomed I started to feel really self conscious about his bottle feeding. At that point he was only taking two a day. One was before afternoon nap and the other before bed at night. It was the perfect transition to sleep. I emailed some fellow adoptive moms about LB's bottle feeding just to see if others out there were in the same boat. I got a lot of encouragement not to worry about it or push LB to quit before he was ready. Many of those moms confirmed that their two year olds were also still on bottles. I breathed such a sigh of relief.

One of the moms reminded me to read the sections on bottle feeding in the book, "Parenting Your Internationally Adopted Child," by Patty Cogen. I own that book but had completely neglected to check it. There were a few sections on bottle feedings and they actually encouraged extended bottle feeding. I wish I had thought to check that book months ago to save myself hours of agonizing. She says, "A young child's sucking activates the vagus nerve, which in turn regulates the child's breathing into a smooth, slow pattern of inhaling and exhaling and slows the child's heart rate." She continues to say that "when a child associates sucking with a parent's voice, eye contact, and general presence, and eventually with a cuddly object, a foundation is laid for new soothing possibilities that do not rely on sucking. Infants suck on bottles and thumbs, preschoolers hang on to their favorite blankets or stuffed toys, and older children wear a favorite shirt day in and day out." Thankfully this part didn't apply to me but she did confirm that "most pediatricians and dentists see primarily non-adopted children, who have had lots of opportunities to develop their co-regulation; it is easy for them to overlook the special meaning of a bottle for an internationally adopted child." I found it all to be really fascinating and it was reassuring to think about LB's development through those steps. When we first brought him home we noticed that even when he didn't have a bottle he would make a sucking sound when he was tired and ready to fall asleep. He eventually latched on to a favorite blanket and the sucking sound changed to a motoring sound. Clearly, he was developing ways to soothe himself. Now he still has his blanket and I make sure we never leave the house without it. He rarely makes the motoring sound anymore although I do hear him doing it in the middle of the night occasionally. I'm not sure what it says about me since I am pretty sure I sucked my thumb past kindergarten but we won't go there.

We had been trying to give him milk through his sippy cup in the months leading up to his birthday but he would give you a funny look if there was milk in his sippy. The look said, "Hey! This is supposed to be water or juice. I don't drink milk out of this thing." Soon after LB's second birthday it seemed like he just wasn't interested in the bottles anymore, especially at night. He wanted to read books or play with toys. It took a while to get through the whole bottle so we started offering some of his milk in the sippy and some in his bottle. When it seemed like he was more comfortable with this sippy we tried one night to do all of the milk in the sippy. I told myself that if he asked for his bottle we would do that too but he didn't. It was a little harder to transition off at nap but a few weeks later he was fine with just his sippy then too. It took a little trial and error to come up with the right pre-nap routine but I think we are there now. It feels good. Bye bye bottles. I miss you but am glad my boy is comfortable without you.

His Person

Long before I became a mom I marveled at how a mother could make her baby stop crying by just holding him. I think everyone has witnessed a moment where a family member or friend is holding someone’s baby and the baby starts to cry or fuss. That person will then hand the baby back to the mom and instantly the crying stops. The baby feels safe and secure again just from their mother’s touch. I always thought that was beautiful and wanted to be that safe and secure person for a child. As an adoptive parent, I knew that it would take some time and some work to get LB to that point. I would say Ezra felt safe with us from fairly early on but I am not sure that he actually preferred us or that we were able to provide true comfort when he was upset. Several of my adoptive mom friends told me to give it time and that it would come. Patience is not one of my strengths and I so longed to be LB’s person of comfort. Waiting for those signs of attachment has been hard.

Last week I took LB to his 9 month well visit at the doctor. I knew he would be getting more shots as our doctor explained that at our previous visit. When we went to the doctor the first time we were able to get him to calm down with a bottle. He cried until we got to the waiting room and then as soon as he had the bottle he was fine. For this most recent visit I was taking him by myself so I had the same plan of attack. The nurse came in to give him his shots and I started to get the bottle ready. Of course he started screaming while he got the shots and then the nurse picked him up while I finished pouring the bottle. He continued to cry as the nurse held him. I got my stuff together and the nurse handed LB back to me. I fully expected him to continue to cry until I got that bottle in his mouth. Do you know what happened? He stopped. He looked at me and sniffled a bit but he stopped. The nurse said, “Well, look at that. He just needed his mama.” I almost gave the nurse a hug. I held him tight and hugged him and he was back to his silly self. I was his person. And it felt amazing.