Standing Out

Last week LB and I we were at the Science Center and LB was looking at the turtles and frogs that they have in the Little Kids Space. There is a big window behind the animals where they have office space and one of the women working there saw LB checking out the animals and came out. She said, "I remember you guys from the Planes, Trains and Automobiles workshop. It's so great to see you again." And then she proceeded to show LB the albino frog and told him the names of the turtles. Before she went back to work she said to me, "He is just so sweet and smart. I'll never forget his face. He just made my day." I should mention we did that workshop in December. December! That was 4 months ago! And she probably runs multiple workshops a month. I know that LB is adorable and expressive and certainly memorable but I can't help but wonder if the reason we are recognizable is because our skin colors don't match. This standing out factor is something I only gave a little thought to when we were preparing to adopt to LB. I guess it just seemed so obvious that we would stand out that I didn't really think through all the implications of that. I assumed we would get a lot of questions, which actually we don't. I didn't expect that I would occasionally be frustrated by our inability to be inconspicuous. I feel like people know us wherever we go. Yet, I don't know them. And I consider myself good with names and faces and I often have a hard time placing people who know LB's name and talk to me like we've met several times. (You can ask my close friends. I have a good memory when it comes to names and faces. I promise I am not being flighty.) I often find myself thinking "do these people remember us because LB is so extroverted and expressive or do they remember us because we are the mommy son pair who don't match?" I suppose I will never know. Maybe it's both. But surely the fact that we are a transracial family plays a part. I think it would be naive to think otherwise. Usually, I just try to enjoy that people remember LB. I think it makes him feel special that so many people know his name and I certainly love it when his cuteness earns us a free cookie at my favorite cafe. But I've surprised myself with how much I let that standing out factor get to me when LB is not being sweet and engaging and happy. He's 3. It's going to happen. It's not fair to him that I get bent out of shape over it. Sadly, I can really let it ruin my day. He shouldn't pay the price for that and a get a cranky mom for the rest of the day. I know all parents get looks from people when their kid is throwing a fit in public. Some people are sympathetic and others aren't. It's easy to feel judged and embarrassed even if you and your child are the same race. But man, I really let those looks get to me and I wonder if I would as much if we matched. I hate that. But it's true.

LB and I took a quick trip to Tulsa for Easter. One of the days we went to the zoo with my friend's mom and my friend's daughter, who is LB's age. My friend is a pediatrician so she couldn't make it. We had a great time! We were there for two and a half hours and LB had tons of fun. We rode the merry go round and the train. He got to touch a bunny and some goats. He saw giraffes and peacocks (two things we don't have at our zoo.) He ran a little too far ahead sometimes but the entire time we were there it was fun and he did well. Then we were leaving and entered the gift shop. GAH! I hate gift shops. Were they invented to create meltdowns? And most kid places put the stupid gift shop by the entrance or exit so they are impossible to avoid. Without giving you the boring details, LB had a meltdown. We left with him crying and he cried most of the way home. And what did I do? Did I focus on the two and a half hours of fun? Um, no. I let that little meltdown dictate my mood. I couldn't get the looks I got from the gift shop employees out of my head. Surely, they must see tons of kids lose it. Right? He got over it and in the end it was a probably a good lesson for him but I got all bent out of shape. When he's over it I need to get over it. I could give you 100 more examples but you get the point. And it bugs me that it portrays me as a glass half empty type of person because I have always considered myself a glass half full kind of person. And I have to stop worrying if any of those looks are race based. LB shouldn't be held to a higher standard of behavior so that other people won't think judgy thoughts about our family and so that his self conscious mother won't worry about standing out. That's not his responsibility. He didn't ask to be adopted by a white mother. I don't know how I can get over this but I have to. I suppose it will just require practice and a lot of positive self talk.

I do know that I want to start focusing on the good moments each day. I'm hoping this will help. I want him to be a part of it. Maybe each night at dinner I can list all the great moments of each day. Even if it's little like "LB did a good job saying thank you to his teacher." Or "LB gave me a big hug after nap." Some days I might really have to think and others I'll be able to list 20. That's okay, I think. But I can't continue to let 5 minutes here and there control my whole outlook on the day. That's just a recipe for getting down. Anyone else out there do this too? What helps you? Are you a transracial family and do you sometimes struggle with standing out? Can you tell I am looking for some validation? Is it super obvious? Okay. Help.