Have you noticed all of the lists online that start with, "What not to say to X type of mom" these days? You can fill in the blank with working moms, adoptive moms, stay at home moms, moms of kids with down syndrome, moms of twins, breastfeeding moms, moms who need chocolate to cope, etc. It's pretty exhausting. All of those lists actually exist. Well, maybe not the chocolate one. Sadly, I am guilty of sharing the "don't you dare say these things to adoptive moms" list. It is one of the first lists I read and I related to it so I hit the share button. Looking back, I wish I hadn't but oh well. Live and Learn. But I get why we do it. I get why I did it. Some of the things people have said to me or my adoptive mom friends have been down right infuriating. Like the dental hygienist who told my friend, "Well, if adoption is good enough for Angelina Jolie then I guess it is good enough for anyone." Yes, someone really said that. It was a dumb and insulting thing to say for sure. I've received an Angelina comment too. It's annoying. But the person who said it to me was trying to be funny and even though it wasn't I know that person and know they weren't intentionally trying to insult me.
I also think the lists come about because we all make choices in our lives and those choices are dear and important to us. And add our kids in to the mix, who mean the world to us, and it's a recipe for passionate cries. That's not a bad thing. When we feel like someone has questioned or insulted our choices or said something we don't like about our kids then we want to stand up and tell the world that it's not okay. And it isn't okay. But something is off about the tone in these lists. Is that just me? And now I have become annoyed by the whole thing. You know what I think these lists do? They pit us against each other. And by us I mean women and moms. They put us in camps and say to people on the outside of the camp, "Don't even try to understand what I go through and you better watch what you say." The lists make us feel like we can't say anything to someone who is walking a different path than us. Should we do our best to be kind and sensitive and think before we speak? Absolutely! Yes! But sometimes we are going to say something stupid and insensitive. And that's okay. We're all stupid and insensitive sometimes. I haven't received too many annoying comments about adoption but when I have I know that in retrospect the person was well intentioned or just not fully thinking through what they were saying. We can't all be held to such a high standard. There are times when I have just smiled and changed the subject or walked away and there have been times when I have tried to educate. It depends on my mood or if LB is close by or if the person is a friend or a stranger. Someone said something to me yesterday that hit my infertility button. I got the sense she felt badly soon after it came out of her mouth. She didn't mean to insult me. I let it go. In that case, I think she knew right away and that was enough for me. I truly hope that if I say something dumb to a mom with twins or a working mom that the person would kindly explain to me that what I have said was insensitive. And I pray that I will have the strength to not get defensive but to open my mind to someone elses' experience and perspective. We lose our power and strength as women if we are always trying to put ourselves into various cliques and excluding those who don't belong.
So I'm going to work on being more inclusive. I want my actions to say "pull up a chair and have some chocolate" not "you couldn't possibly understand so don't say x,y or z." In the same way I need to remind myself that I can't be perfect, I need to remember that for my friends, acquaintances and strangers in line at the store. Let's get rid of the lists and just recognize we are all unique and all equally deserving of respect.
Amen to that.
I also think the lists come about because we all make choices in our lives and those choices are dear and important to us. And add our kids in to the mix, who mean the world to us, and it's a recipe for passionate cries. That's not a bad thing. When we feel like someone has questioned or insulted our choices or said something we don't like about our kids then we want to stand up and tell the world that it's not okay. And it isn't okay. But something is off about the tone in these lists. Is that just me? And now I have become annoyed by the whole thing. You know what I think these lists do? They pit us against each other. And by us I mean women and moms. They put us in camps and say to people on the outside of the camp, "Don't even try to understand what I go through and you better watch what you say." The lists make us feel like we can't say anything to someone who is walking a different path than us. Should we do our best to be kind and sensitive and think before we speak? Absolutely! Yes! But sometimes we are going to say something stupid and insensitive. And that's okay. We're all stupid and insensitive sometimes. I haven't received too many annoying comments about adoption but when I have I know that in retrospect the person was well intentioned or just not fully thinking through what they were saying. We can't all be held to such a high standard. There are times when I have just smiled and changed the subject or walked away and there have been times when I have tried to educate. It depends on my mood or if LB is close by or if the person is a friend or a stranger. Someone said something to me yesterday that hit my infertility button. I got the sense she felt badly soon after it came out of her mouth. She didn't mean to insult me. I let it go. In that case, I think she knew right away and that was enough for me. I truly hope that if I say something dumb to a mom with twins or a working mom that the person would kindly explain to me that what I have said was insensitive. And I pray that I will have the strength to not get defensive but to open my mind to someone elses' experience and perspective. We lose our power and strength as women if we are always trying to put ourselves into various cliques and excluding those who don't belong.
So I'm going to work on being more inclusive. I want my actions to say "pull up a chair and have some chocolate" not "you couldn't possibly understand so don't say x,y or z." In the same way I need to remind myself that I can't be perfect, I need to remember that for my friends, acquaintances and strangers in line at the store. Let's get rid of the lists and just recognize we are all unique and all equally deserving of respect.
Amen to that.
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Almost two years ago, I emailed one of my sister's coworkers--an African-American mom of twin boys--to ask her some things. About haircuts and skincare and other things specific to our brown babes. And then I asked her how she kept her boys from hurting each other. She sent me back such a kind email and told me all about what she does for skin and hair, and then said: "Hitting/shoving--I'm pretty sure this has to do with your boys being toddlers, and nothing to do with them being brown babies! Whatever you did with your other kids should work."
ReplyDeleteI was HORRIFIED to realize that she thought I believed them hitting each other and taking things from each other had to do with their skin color. In my mind, it was obvious that I was also asking for her advice as a mom of twins, but it clearly didn't translate. I emailed her back and explained and we laughed about it.
But the point--it would have been so easy for her to take my question as something from an ignorant white lady and write me off. I am still SO grateful that she responded with grace when she (had to have!) thought I was an idiot.
I think you're right that we need to be kind to each other more often than we are. And that we need to stop judging and assuming things about each other, too.
I love your perspective here. I've definitely seen the "What not to say to a bereaved parent" list and while it is SO FREAKING TRUE, I'm not sure that it helps our case to make people more anxious about saying/doing the wrong thing. I think you're right: people will be insensitive and sometimes it will hurt more than others, and sometimes we'll educate and sometimes we won't have the energy or it won't be worth the effort. But probably the best way to handle any situation like that is to invite conversation instead of shutting it down (assuming the circumstances are appropriate for that and the person isn't a total douche-canoe).
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