Your Loss is Real

Every now and then I get inspired to write about the time in our lives when we were trying to conceive. But I'm often met with this uneasy feeling in my stomach when it comes time to publish the post. Obviously, part of that is because all those feelings are so deeply personal and awful that putting them out there is scary. The other part is that it seems silly to go back to that time when in the end we did get our dream come true. But I also know that when we were going through that terrible period, I found great solace and comfort in those women who were brave enough to put their emotions out there and to know I wasn't alone. I've decide that if something I write reaches just one person who needed it then all those butterflies currently in my stomach are worth it. Taking deep breaths. Here it goes.

A friend of mine posted on Facebook that she recently started re-watching old episodes of Ally McBeal. I smiled when I read that because I have a lot of fond memories of watching that show. I was actually living in Japan and was desperate for any American TV. The movie rental place near my apartment had all the seasons of Ally and ER so each night I would come home from work and I would either watch Ally or ER and be so happy to hear a little English. I noticed we had Ally McBeal as an option to stream on Netflix so one night, a little over a month ago, I watched the first episode of season 1 and have been hooked ever since. I had to take a brief hiatus during the Olympics but I have a date with my couch, a bowl of ice cream and an episode of Ally tonight. I'm now in the middle of season 2 but there was an episode in season 1 that inspired this post. Most of the main characters in the show are single but there is one married couple. The guy, Billy, is actually Ally's ex-boyfriend from high school and college. He left Ally to be with his wife, Georgia, but all of that happens before the show begins and you learn this in the first few episodes. Now they all work together. Drama! Well, in this particular episode Georgia thinks she is pregnant. It was not planned. (Side note: the idea of an unplanned pregnancy always annoyed the heck of me. PuhLease. We all know how it happens so if you didn't do anything to stop it then what were you expecting. Sorry. Bygones.) As young attorneys beginning their careers, it comes as a bit of a shock. As they talk about it though they both start to get more and more excited about the life they have created. Georgia eventually takes a blood test and finds out that the pregnancy test was wrong and she was never actually pregnant. Initially, they agree they are both sad but decide that the timing was wrong anyways so it was probably for the best. Later on in the show Billy finds Georgia in the bathroom crying. Billy is typically one of my least favorite characters (I prefer the silly antics of John Cage) but the line Billy delivers really hit home. Georgia is feeling silly for crying over a pregnancy that never existed in the first place. He says to her, "The pregnancy isn't real. But the loss is real." I can't tell you how many times I convinced myself that I was pregnant. I would start to calculate when the baby would be due and what it would be like to tell friends and family that we were expecting and would the baby get my blue eyes or D's brown eyes and I could go on and on. And then I wouldn't be pregnant and I would feel like such a fool for allowing my mind to go to all those places. I often thought to myself that it was silly to cry over something that never existed. I never showed myself enough grace to recognize that the loss was real. Thank you, Billy. Now quit being so selfish and give Ally space so she can get over you!

In case you need to hear this today, your loss is real. Whatever it may be. Don't feel silly or dumb for grieving about something that seems so out of reach. I know it's easy for me to say. I write this on the eve of when LB was placed in our arms forever. But I've been there. I'm so sorry you are going through it too. Your loss is real.