"I do not at all understand the mystery of grace - only that it meets us where we are but does not leave us where it found us." - Anne Lamott
Mother's Day is one of those holidays that I have mixed feelings about it. However, after a lot of reflection over the past couple of days I have decided that it's okay to feel that way. Mixed. I don't need to make sense of it and I don't have to chose one feeling over the other. I get caught up in that need to choose sometimes. But I can feel sadness, empathy, grace and gratitude all at the same time. Not that long ago Mother's Day was filled with so much anguish and grief that it was overwhelmingly hard. Yesterday and in the days leading up to Mother's Day I felt a lot of that deep sadness. I felt it for the women who are going through what I went through and for all women out there hoping that someday they will be a mom. I felt sadness for friends who have lost their mothers and for friends who have lost their babies. I remembered the faces of the children I met in Ethiopia who would do anything to feel the love of a mother. I prayed for the little girl in Addis who held my hand and asked if she could be my daughter. And, of course, I thought of the woman who gave LB life. It's all so messy because I also experienced an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my sweet boy. I felt deep happiness. I am so lucky to be his mom and to have people in my life who made me feel extra special yesterday. I can't deny that I loved that. I loved the cards and texts and Facebook messages and gifts. I also can't deny that I am grateful to truly feel that empathy and sadness. In the end, infertility made me a better version of myself. It helped me to think more about my words, to judge less and to reach out more to people who are struggling. It taught me that in tough times it's okay to show myself a little grace and to extend that grace to other people. I don't always get it right but I am glad that yesterday I allowed myself to live in the middle of it all. I let it just be.
Mother's Day is one of those holidays that I have mixed feelings about it. However, after a lot of reflection over the past couple of days I have decided that it's okay to feel that way. Mixed. I don't need to make sense of it and I don't have to chose one feeling over the other. I get caught up in that need to choose sometimes. But I can feel sadness, empathy, grace and gratitude all at the same time. Not that long ago Mother's Day was filled with so much anguish and grief that it was overwhelmingly hard. Yesterday and in the days leading up to Mother's Day I felt a lot of that deep sadness. I felt it for the women who are going through what I went through and for all women out there hoping that someday they will be a mom. I felt sadness for friends who have lost their mothers and for friends who have lost their babies. I remembered the faces of the children I met in Ethiopia who would do anything to feel the love of a mother. I prayed for the little girl in Addis who held my hand and asked if she could be my daughter. And, of course, I thought of the woman who gave LB life. It's all so messy because I also experienced an overwhelming sense of gratitude for my sweet boy. I felt deep happiness. I am so lucky to be his mom and to have people in my life who made me feel extra special yesterday. I can't deny that I loved that. I loved the cards and texts and Facebook messages and gifts. I also can't deny that I am grateful to truly feel that empathy and sadness. In the end, infertility made me a better version of myself. It helped me to think more about my words, to judge less and to reach out more to people who are struggling. It taught me that in tough times it's okay to show myself a little grace and to extend that grace to other people. I don't always get it right but I am glad that yesterday I allowed myself to live in the middle of it all. I let it just be.
My mom. And the boy who made me a mom. Thankful.
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Thanks for this really beautiful, totally honest post. I hear ya, whole-heartedly.
ReplyDeleteSuch a sweet picture, and a wonderful post.
ReplyDeleteThis is an amazing post, Emily. You are becoming such a complex & amazing woman. I am proud to be your friend. Happy complicated mother's day....I love you, LB, and your momma.
ReplyDelete"In the end, infertility made me a better version of myself." This whole post is beautiful, but that was my favorite line, the one that resonated the most with me. How much I hope this will be true of me someday as well. This was my third Mother's Day (it hurts to even type those words) since my mom died, and my first dealing with infertility (we'd only been trying for a few months at this time last year). I know that my mom's untimely death, while clearly the most horrible thing I have ever experienced, definitely has made me "a better version of myself." I hope that I am looking back someday and thinking the same thing about the infertility, because right now it's just hard. And hopefully then I will be the best possible version of myself, so all this heartache can stop : )
ReplyDeleteThanks for being brave enough to share your emotions, especially the complicated parts of them. It helps so much for those of us coming up behind you on this journey. I really appreciate it.
Love you Em! So well said! Xo
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