Let's Talk Time Out

About a year ago, I wrote a post about how we started time outs with LB and that they seemed to be working. At the time he was about 14 months old and not yet walking. I guess there is a reason for the saying, "the only thing constant in life is change." The tides have turned around here and in the past couple of months I have become increasingly negative about time outs. I recently read a blog post about time outs and wanted to shout "Amen" about a million times as I was reading it. I just don't feel like they work for LB anymore. I know there are some kids that time outs seem to really help curb bad choices but in our case it seems like they make the situation worse. I'll set the scene for you. LB is tired or in a bad mood and is playing with a toy. It won't do what he wants it to do so he turns to me and hits me on the leg in frustration or he screams really loudly or both. I tell him that I understand he is upset but it is not nice to hit so he needs to go to time out. (I stopped giving warnings because it just seemed to taunt him to do it again. And I thought one hit justified a time out.) Then he starts screaming in protest. I have to pick him up while he is kicking and screaming and put him in the time out spot in the hallway. I walk away and he gets ups and follows me while he is still screaming. My blood pressure is going through the roof from the screaming and I tell him (sometimes yell) to go back to time out. He goes back but two seconds later is up again. At this point I feel like all we are doing is battling each other and there is zero amount of learning occurring. The time out has stopped being about him hitting me and is now just a fight to get him to sit in the hallway for a minute to calm down. It is just making him and me more angry. Please tell me that this is familiar story for some of you. I am giving you permission to lie to make me feel better about my parenting.

For a couple of weeks or so I have been focusing on using techniques from the book, "Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood" as well as "The Connected Child." I just recently finished reading "Love and Logic" and found it to be really helpful. I've owned the book for a long time because I had remembered another blogger recommending it but I finally got around to reading it. Here are the main things I took away from it. 1.) Give your child a healthy sense of control by giving them choices all throughout the day. This was something I have always tried to do but am now really making an effort to do. I find when I am on my game and constantly giving him choices he responds much better when it is my turn to make a choice. Here are some examples. Do you want your dinosaur cup or your Toy Story cup? Peach yogurt or apple yogurt? Do you want Mommy to carry you or do you want to hold my hand? Do you want to take your soccer ball or basketball to the park? You get the idea. The point is to give options that are okay no matter which one he chooses. LB loves being able to choose and in fact one his favorite things to say right now is "me choose." 2.) When you are implementing a consequence do it with empathy. This one is harder for me to do. But as I have been practicing I am getting better at saying, "It's so sad but we have to say bye bye to this toy." They suggest using the same short, empathetic phrase each time like "It's so sad." Or "What a bummer." 3.) Set the limit once and then follow through. I like this because, as I said above, I really hated all the warnings. So when LB throws a toy it goes bye bye. End of story. I do have to say that I got a little annoyed with the authors' constant warnings that if parents don't use their techniques then essentially the child will be doomed for life. Basically they implied that if you don't use "Love and Logic" then your child will a.) be very unhappy b.) possibly succumb to peer pressure and use drugs as a teenager c.) abuse animals. They painted a pretty dire picture. So although I liked most of what they had to say the constant "do this or else" bugged me. In their defense, I think LB is really responding it.

I have not read "The Connected Child" from cover to cover but have read chapters here and there and always find myself parenting with more patience after I read it. One of things that the authors suggest is to help the child practice good behavior through "re-dos" or "try agains." We have been doing this for a while and have seen a lot of success with it. LB used to have a really bad habit of dropping or throwing his juice cup. When he does this we tell him "to try again and either hand me the cup or put it on the table." I love it when I observe him start the motions to throw it but think twice and place it on the floor nicely instead. It makes my whole day. I have started the re-dos with his tone of voice as well. Often he will whine or use a loud voice to ask for something. I tell him to "try again using nice words" and I don't give him whatever it is, usually goldfish crackers, until he asks nicely. Recently, when he uses nice words without me prompting him he will exclaim, "Mommy happy!" And he is absolutely right. It's possibly the cutest thing ever. I really like the idea of training their muscle memory to do something correctly and praise that rather than focus on the bad behavior. The authors also emphasize the need to limit the words that you use. This kind of overlaps with "Love and Logic" because basically you enforce the consequence and that's it. There isn't some long drawn out lecture about why hitting is bad and it's ill effects. They say when the child is upset and stressed then they aren't going to absorb that information.

In my effort to toss time out I have been using the "say bye bye to the toy" technique when he hits or screams. I am liking it much more than time outs. I feel like we say "bye bye" to the toy and that's it. Sometimes he cries and wails about it and other times he moves on. I am able to stay calm because I am not repeatedly asking him to go back to time out. But the screaming and hitting are definitely my biggest frustrations in terms of behavior and I am open to suggestions. I also still really struggle with how to enforce consequences when we are in public or at a friend's house.

What do you think about time outs? Am I missing something? What techniques have you found success with? Educate me!