Standing Out

Last week LB and I we were at the Science Center and LB was looking at the turtles and frogs that they have in the Little Kids Space. There is a big window behind the animals where they have office space and one of the women working there saw LB checking out the animals and came out. She said, "I remember you guys from the Planes, Trains and Automobiles workshop. It's so great to see you again." And then she proceeded to show LB the albino frog and told him the names of the turtles. Before she went back to work she said to me, "He is just so sweet and smart. I'll never forget his face. He just made my day." I should mention we did that workshop in December. December! That was 4 months ago! And she probably runs multiple workshops a month. I know that LB is adorable and expressive and certainly memorable but I can't help but wonder if the reason we are recognizable is because our skin colors don't match. This standing out factor is something I only gave a little thought to when we were preparing to adopt to LB. I guess it just seemed so obvious that we would stand out that I didn't really think through all the implications of that. I assumed we would get a lot of questions, which actually we don't. I didn't expect that I would occasionally be frustrated by our inability to be inconspicuous. I feel like people know us wherever we go. Yet, I don't know them. And I consider myself good with names and faces and I often have a hard time placing people who know LB's name and talk to me like we've met several times. (You can ask my close friends. I have a good memory when it comes to names and faces. I promise I am not being flighty.) I often find myself thinking "do these people remember us because LB is so extroverted and expressive or do they remember us because we are the mommy son pair who don't match?" I suppose I will never know. Maybe it's both. But surely the fact that we are a transracial family plays a part. I think it would be naive to think otherwise. Usually, I just try to enjoy that people remember LB. I think it makes him feel special that so many people know his name and I certainly love it when his cuteness earns us a free cookie at my favorite cafe. But I've surprised myself with how much I let that standing out factor get to me when LB is not being sweet and engaging and happy. He's 3. It's going to happen. It's not fair to him that I get bent out of shape over it. Sadly, I can really let it ruin my day. He shouldn't pay the price for that and a get a cranky mom for the rest of the day. I know all parents get looks from people when their kid is throwing a fit in public. Some people are sympathetic and others aren't. It's easy to feel judged and embarrassed even if you and your child are the same race. But man, I really let those looks get to me and I wonder if I would as much if we matched. I hate that. But it's true.

LB and I took a quick trip to Tulsa for Easter. One of the days we went to the zoo with my friend's mom and my friend's daughter, who is LB's age. My friend is a pediatrician so she couldn't make it. We had a great time! We were there for two and a half hours and LB had tons of fun. We rode the merry go round and the train. He got to touch a bunny and some goats. He saw giraffes and peacocks (two things we don't have at our zoo.) He ran a little too far ahead sometimes but the entire time we were there it was fun and he did well. Then we were leaving and entered the gift shop. GAH! I hate gift shops. Were they invented to create meltdowns? And most kid places put the stupid gift shop by the entrance or exit so they are impossible to avoid. Without giving you the boring details, LB had a meltdown. We left with him crying and he cried most of the way home. And what did I do? Did I focus on the two and a half hours of fun? Um, no. I let that little meltdown dictate my mood. I couldn't get the looks I got from the gift shop employees out of my head. Surely, they must see tons of kids lose it. Right? He got over it and in the end it was a probably a good lesson for him but I got all bent out of shape. When he's over it I need to get over it. I could give you 100 more examples but you get the point. And it bugs me that it portrays me as a glass half empty type of person because I have always considered myself a glass half full kind of person. And I have to stop worrying if any of those looks are race based. LB shouldn't be held to a higher standard of behavior so that other people won't think judgy thoughts about our family and so that his self conscious mother won't worry about standing out. That's not his responsibility. He didn't ask to be adopted by a white mother. I don't know how I can get over this but I have to. I suppose it will just require practice and a lot of positive self talk.

I do know that I want to start focusing on the good moments each day. I'm hoping this will help. I want him to be a part of it. Maybe each night at dinner I can list all the great moments of each day. Even if it's little like "LB did a good job saying thank you to his teacher." Or "LB gave me a big hug after nap." Some days I might really have to think and others I'll be able to list 20. That's okay, I think. But I can't continue to let 5 minutes here and there control my whole outlook on the day. That's just a recipe for getting down. Anyone else out there do this too? What helps you? Are you a transracial family and do you sometimes struggle with standing out? Can you tell I am looking for some validation? Is it super obvious? Okay. Help.

Soccer Begins

Ever since LB could walk he's been kicking a ball. Or leaves. Or a puzzle piece. Or whatever. You get the idea. I know that I am biased but he has a mean left footed kick. It isn't just me who thinks so. There are other non-biased people like his dad and grandparents and aunt who agree with me. Ha! But seriously, random people at the park do comment on how well he kicks the ball. Here are a few action shots from last year.

Now that he is 3, I decided he was ready for a soccer class of sorts. I found a place that came highly recommended and they offered early evening indoor classes for 3 year olds. D and I have been talking to LB about it for a while and he was so excited that this was an activity he could do with his dad. He knows that D played soccer as a kid and LB is all about being "same as Daddy." The day finally arrived and LB was ready ALL DAY. I kept having to tell him that it was after nap and we had to wait for Daddy to get home. The excitement didn't end once we were on our way. I wish I had a dollar for every time he asked, "Is this it?"

There was another class finishing up when we got there so he had to wait a few minutes before he could get on the field. Do you love the look on his face as much as I do? The anticipation was building!

D went out on the field with him in the beginning. We weren't sure what to expect but I think the coach did a pretty good job of keeping a group of active 3 year olds organized. He gathered them up to learn all their names and to give them some instruction. Then they all went to the center of the field and he led them in some stretches and exercises. He had them practicing headers with balloons, running in circles around orange cones and they got some free time just to run around and kick a bunch of balls. For the most part it was constant movement for 45 minutes. Just what this mom wanted! D and I both tried to snap a few photos during class but it was tough due to the constant movement and the safety netting they have up around the field.

You get the idea. It was a nice place but I was bummed there wasn't a little more diversity in the class. However, given the location it wasn't that shocking. This is something I always have running through my mind. We'll have do better if he decides he wants to continue playing soccer. The other unfortunate thing was at the end of class LB was part of a pile on collision and he was at the bottom. He didn't cry and didn't get hurt but he was stunned and it soured him a bit. He told our neighbors, "No me like soccer class. Those kids falled on me." But other than that he truly did have a blast and just yesterday was talking to D about going back to play. After class I have never seen him drink so much water so quickly.

LB and I have done several classes and activities together but there was something special about signing him up for soccer. I think it is just one of those things that I thought about in the years leading up to becoming a mom. I love watching soccer. I love soccer players. My sister claimed the other day that she thinks I have an internal radar for scoping out cute soccer players. So let's face it, I've always wanted to be a soccer mom. It sounds corny and cliched but, for me, it's true. I know that even though LB has a good kick now, that soccer may not be what he wants to do as he gets older. I may end up being a band mom or a baseball mom or a mathlete mom. Who knows? In the end, it doesn't matter. For now I am just loving the time to stand on the side line and cheer for my boy. The boy that I longed for what felt like forever. These are the moments that make me feel like the luckiest person on the planet. So for the next 10 weeks I am going to enjoy it. Every. Single. Moment.

Fun Day to Sick Day

Last Sunday we made the hour drive west to spend the afternoon with D's side of the family. D's brother's family was there too so the cousins got to spend several hours together. The weather was really nice and D's parents live on an acre and half so there's tons of space for the kids to run around and get messy and just be kids. As they are getting older the cousin get togethers are getting easier from a parent's perspective. They actually interact now and require less instruction from the adults. They are capable of making up their own fun. They pushed these little snow shovels up and down the long driveway over and over, they colored rocks with chalk and splashed in the puddles leftover from the snow. LB had a blast.

Don't LB and the dog look like they are in deep conversation? LB's relationship with this dog has not always been the best so it was good to see them sharing a moment.

We drove home after dinner, put LB to bed and D and I plopped ourselves on the couch and reflected on a fun day. A few hours later, LB woke up screaming in pain. D went to get him and LB puked all over D. What was awful and scary about the whole thing was that LB was grabbing his stomach and screaming bloody murder. He was almost convulsing on the floor because he was in too much pain to sit still. He kept puking and then screaming and repeat. We decided we would rather be safe be sorry and made the quick drive to Children's Hospital. Thankfully, they gave us our own private room pretty quickly so we didn't have to spend much time in the waiting room. We saw a nurse right away but ended up having to wait five hours to see a physician. LB did eventually stop screaming and grabbing his stomach but the puking continued the entire five hours we waited and at times he was puking once every fifteen minutes. The nurse kept checking on us and told us it was just a crazy night in the ER with lots of traumas so there was nothing we could do but wait. The nurse was very sweet and told LB, "If you are this cute when you are puking all over the place then I can't imagine how cute you are when you are healthy." I thought that was a nice compliment. We kept telling LB that he was being strong and we were proud of him. He was the saddest thing I have ever seen. When he could tell another round was coming he would say in his sweet voice, "Oh no. Again." Then after each episode he would say, "My all better. My so proud." It broke my heart. I think it's funny that at one point during the wait both D and I snapped photos of LB and the other parent without them knowing.

We were all exhausted. Finally we saw a doctor and they gave LB some anti nausea medicine and that stopped the puking. We aren't sure if it was a violent stomach bug or food poisoning but I'm glad we went to the ER because who knows how much longer he would have puked without the meds. As we were pulling out of the ER parking lot at 5:30 in the morning, LB said, "My do a really good job." I love him. 

It took LB several days to regain his energy and almost all week to get his appetite back. He was a sad little munchkin. It was a good reminder how quickly little ones can go from running laps on the driveway to puking all over you. Let's hope we won't be returning to the ER any time soon.

Future Pilot

During my mom's last visit she gave D and me another break and took LB to one of his favorite places, the OSU airport. LB calls it "the tiny airport." And he refers to the actual Columbus airport as "the big airport." Makes sense. He asks to go to "the tiny airport" or "the big airport" pretty frequently. One of his regular morning questions is "where a go today? maybe to the tiny airport?" Do you like how he answers the question first with his top priority? He's a smart one. So per the usual, my mom obliged. One of my mom's theme's in life is "it doesn't hurt to ask." This theme has granted us many opportunities that we probably wouldn't have had if she hadn't asked. For example, my mom and I got to be on stage with President Obama once because she asked. Don't try to dispute her on this. LB is now learning the benefits of going somewhere with someone who likes to ask. While they were gone my mom texted me this photo with the caption "future pilot."

I should clarify that getting in an airplane is not part of the regular activities at the tiny airport. I shook my head and showed it D and we both chuckled. My mom had clearly asked. When they got home LB told us about getting in the plane and pushing buttons that made the wings move. He was pumped. My mom took some really precious photos of him with the young pilot who showed LB around a small propeller plane. I LOVE these photos.

The pilot told my mom that he was obsessed with planes when he was little too. I'm not sure how I feel about LB pursuing a career in aviation but thankfully he is only three years old and there is lots of time to figure that out! I know LB is grateful that my mom asked and he got a little taste of being a pilot!

Cincinnati Weekend

A few weeks ago we took a little weekend trip to Cincinnati. One of D's best friends from high school was getting married so my mom timed her visit so that she could watch LB overnight while we went to the wedding. Isn't she the best?! We then decided that all four of us would go and we would just get two hotel rooms. We've been wanting to take LB to the aquarium there and my mom had never been to Cincinnati so we made a trip of it. We got there a few hours before the wedding and walked around the Fountain Square area of downtown Cincy, which was near our hotel. LB spotted some horses and was intent on "touching the horses." Since it was a reasonably nice day they had a bunch of horse drawn carriages lined up to take people on little tours of that area of downtown. LB asked if we could go in the carriage and my mom can't resist him so we did. Actually, in fairness I was pushing to do it too because I had never been in a horse drawn carriage and always wanted to. It was a double whammy of pressure for my mom. I loved it and so did LB! He wanted to do it again but we decided once was enough.

That night D and I headed to the wedding and my mom and LB had a dinner date at Panera and a sleepover at the hotel. LB didn't fall asleep until 10pm so my mom was a real trooper! D and I had a lot of fun at the wedding and it was nice to dress up and have an evening out. 

The next morning we headed to the Newport Aquarium. One of LB's favorite movies these days is Finding Nemo so he was pretty pumped to look for Nemo, Nemo's Daddy, sharks and manatees. We recently discovered that whenever LB talks about manatees he actually means scuba divers. This took some time for all of us to figure out. I finally remembered that the last time we went to the zoo there were zoo employees in scuba gear cleaning the manatee tank. LB was completely fascinated and now associates scuba divers with manatees. It's all a little confusing. Thank goodness they did have some clown fish, which LB thought was actually Nemo, and they had tons of sharks. They didn't have actual manatees but we did see some scuba divers so in LB's mind that counts. Whew!

I think the three adults were a little disappointed with parts of the aquarium, mostly that you are sort of herded through like cattle, but LB had fun and still talks about "the fishy place." Success!

Adventures in Babysitting

Starting this Thursday things will be a little different around the Buster household. I am going to be babysitting for a three month old baby girl. I met the mother through our neighbor and she was looking for someone to watch her baby through the end of the school year. The mother is a teacher and most day cares around here make you pay to hold a spot over the summer, which isn't so accommodating for teachers. She lives just right around the corner from us and my neighbor asked me if I was interested. I thought about it and talked with D and we decided it would be good for LB, nice to have the extra cash and if it's super stressful then it's over at the end of May. I was also excited about the idea of being around a baby again, especially one wearing cute pink outfits. So after the holidays I met the mom and Baby B and we determined we were a good match! We set up two dates to do trial drop offs so that Baby B could start to get used to the smells and sounds (ahem LB) of my house and LB and I could start to get to know Baby B as well. They both went well and LB was much less jealous than I thought he would be. He enjoyed "helping" and was very interested in things like diaper changes and her bottle. I've found that if he feels like he has a job then he is all about it. So I would send him on tasks to find her paci or bring her a book or whatever. He loved that. Baby B has been breastfed so I was a little concerned about how she would do with a bottle but both times I fed her she took them like a champ. Go Baby B! I think LB and Baby B are pretty cute together.

About a week ago, I pulled out a few of my parenting books that focus on the first year of a baby's life. I haven't been in baby mode for a while and LB came home at 7 months so I felt like I needed to do some reading about 3 month olds. LB was about the same weight as Baby B but even though he was behind developmentally on some skills he was very alert and had good head control. I wanted to read about what types of things I should be working with her on so I could tell her mom all the little things she did each day. I started reading The Baby Book by Dr. Sears and flipped to the chapter on 3 month olds. I read about tummy time and how they start vocalizing more. Then I got to the end of the chapter and read this:

By the end of this first stage, baby has learned two fundamental lessons: organization and trust. The fussy period of learning to fit into life outside the womb has subsided and baby knows to whom he belongs. Because his needs have been consistently responded to, he has developed the most powerful infant development stimulator: trust. Based upon an inner feeling of rightness, baby wastes less energy fussing and now diverts this energy into developing skills - called baby competence. Because his cues have been read, he values himself - the beginning of baby's self esteem.

And then I burst into tears. All I could think about was LB and all that he missed at such a critical time in life. Is there anything more vulnerable than a newborn baby? I thought about his first month and all the change and trauma he experienced. I doubt there was much organization or trust building going on in his brain. I can't really let myself think about him crying and no one responding. Thankfully, he made his way to the nannies at our agency at 4 weeks and had their consistent and loving care until he experienced yet another upheaval at 7 months when he became a part of our family. We have some photos of when he first arrived at our agency's care center and they are tucked away because they are so hard to look at. They are a part of his story and they aren't forgotten but they are painful. You can see the fear in his eyes. No baby should have to experience that. Babies should be held and rocked and sung to. I've been talking to LB a lot about Baby B to prepare him and one of the things we talk about is how babies need our help and love. I hope he continues to be my little helper and that we can give Baby B all those things each baby deserves. Cross your fingers (and toes) for me! Or send wine.

And while he still lets me, I am going to squeeze in as much snuggle time as possible with my sweet, not so much baby anymore boy.

Say Cheese

LB has started a phase where every time I ask him to smile for the camera 90% of the time he makes some other goofy face instead. I have to admit I find it pretty funny and since he most definitely picks up on that my little class clown will probably stay with this schtick for a while. He's all about making people laugh.
Here are a few examples:

Every now and then he complies and will smile for the camera. This is my new fave picture of us.

My hair is not in a ponytail and LB is smiling. Double Win!

Whether goofy or grinning I sure do love him.