Picky Picky

I've written a lot about LB's food issues. If you have a child with oral motor delays or texture sensitivities with food then I have a section on the sidebar that links to all my posts about LB's feeding therapy. Sometimes I get frustrated that he is still so picky about food but he's come a long way and I shouldn't forget that. But I do get discouraged sometimes and feel like the food that he will eat is still so limited. I also worry that we've fallen into some bad habits when it comes to food and I am nervous about trying to break those bad habits.

A few weeks ago, I got an email from Adoptive Families. They have a great magazine and their website is also extremely helpful. The email jumped out at me because the subject line was, "Love Me, Feed Me." Anything food related always peeks my interest. They were offering a free webinar that would be hosted by Dr. Katja Rowell who wrote the book, Love Me, Feed Me: The Adoptive Parent's Guide to Ending the Worry about Weight, Picky Eating, Power Struggles and More. As luck would have it, the webinar was scheduled during LB's typical nap time. I signed up right away.

I just listened to the webinar and am feeling partially like a total failure but also inspired to do a better job. I think my tendency is that I listen to webinars or read articles like this and I get overwhelmed by all the things that I feel like I need to do to improve as a parent. But as I've had a little time to digest the words (no pun intended) and suggestions that I heard I am feeling empowered to try and make a few small changes. I think and hope that trying to make a few small changes and doing them one at a time will set us up for success. My reaction in the past has been to want to make sweeping changes all at once and that always backfires, whether its food or discipline or whatever. But I have come up with two goals for myself when it comes to food and LB.

Goal #1: Offer more foods. It's okay if he doesn't eat them. Offer them anyway with no pressure.

Goal #2: Try and steer away from food grazing. Structure snack time.

Here are my notes and commentary from the webinar and hopefully I can expand a bit on my goals.

Obviously, I was listening more intently when she was discussing picky eaters or small eaters but I think a lot of her advice applies to kids who have food hoarding issues as well. At the beginning, she said there was one main takeaway from the webinar that we should all remember. It is actually pretty enlightening.

Parent's Jobs:
What/When/Where

Child's Job:
How much from what you provide

She said any kind of pushing or pressure will aways backfire whether you are trying to get your kid to eat more or less. They will always do the opposite. Pushing them turns into a power struggle and then mealtimes become stressful and unpleasant. We have always fallen into the 'trying to get our kid to eat more' camp and any attempt at two more bites and then you can get down or anything like that has always backfired. Dr. Rowell suggests ending the 'two more bite' rule or the 'you have to eat x before y' rule. What this piece of advice has offered me as well is that I need to do a better job of offering foods that I know he will initially refuse. And that's okay. I always just make him things I know he will eat or we try and push him to try the things that we are eating. We just need to eat and offer it to him and show him that we are eating and let it be. But he's never going to start eating carrots if I don't put them on his plate. I still like making him smoothies and hiding things like spinach or fruit that he won't eat outside of a smoothie. To me that's different. I will continue with that because at the moment it is my main way of feeding him fruits and vegetables. But I need to offer them in their raw form as well. The other day we made baked sweet potatoes and then D and I loaded them up with salsa and ground turkey and cheese. (Yummy! Thanks Biggest Loser.) D offered his sweet potato to LB and kept asking, "do you want to try this?" LB refused. I am not singling out D. I do this too. What we need to do is give LB his scrambled eggs or pasta, also known as his safe foods, so that he eats but then also put some of the sweet potatoes out as an option. And let it be. Dr. Rowell suggests serving meals family style. My understanding of family style is you put all the offerings in big bowls and then pass them around and everyone gets to choose their share. I like that idea. I think it will be helpful for us when LB is a little older. I am going to tuck that piece of advice away for now. She advises parents to steer away from bribes, threats and rewards when it comes to food. She says to do your job of providing the food and then be pleasant and good company at the table. Then let your child choose the amount. I think we do a good job of giving him his food and then trying to engage him about his day or sing goofy songs as a way to help him enjoy sitting at the dinner table with us. But I will say it again, I must offer him more variety!

Structure is Critical!
I think when it comes to the three main meals we have done a good job of this. LB has breakfast whenever he wakes up, usually around 6:30am. We have lunch around 11:30am and dinner around 5:30pm. We are pretty good about keeping to this schedule. Dr. Rowell says younger kids should be offered food every 2-3 hours. I usually offer LB a mid-morning snack and a post nap snack. BUT I am also really bad about letting him graze. I tend to graze a lot myself and don't eat big meals and I've let LB fall into this routine as well. I also think it is part of our worry that LB doesn't eat enough and that he is small. So we've always taken the stance that if he wants food we will give it to him. But I am going to try and steer him away from that and instead offer filling snacks that will curb his desire to graze. She said that it takes time to tune into hungry cues and full cues so offering this structure with snacks will hopefully help that. Dr. Rowell actually said there are studies that show children will grow less if they are nibbling all day. Ack!

Here is my stress though when it comes to grazing. LB is a slow eater and I know it is a result of his oral motor delays. I have watched other kids LB's age eat at the same time and they all take 4 - 5 bites to every one bite LB takes. He is more deliberate in his chewing and takes smaller bites in general. He will eat a bowl of pasta or a bowl of beans and rice but if we ask him to eat all of it at the table then he'll have to sit there for 45 minutes in order to finish. He isn't stalling (like he does at bed time). He's just slow. Usually he'll sit at the table for about 20 minutes and then ask to get down. Personally, I think that is reasonable for a 3 year old. Most kids his age would be able to finish the serving in that amount of time. But LB gets down and plays and comes back to the table and gets more bites. As I was listening to the webinar, I was feeling guilty about that. But I'm letting that guilt go. He decides when he's done and doesn't ask for more food before bed. I'm okay with that.

Here are some other random notes I wrote down:

*Take away the allure of forbidden food. Put the food out. She even suggests serving dessert with the meal. They don't get seconds of the dessert but it is out as option. She discusses this strategy more in her book. I didn't pay a ton of attention because, thankfully, LB isn't really into sweets.

*If your child struggles with transitions, then create an end of meal ritual. Ex: Have a candle lit at the table and when the meal is done have the child blow it out. Or pass around a warm washcloth to wipe hands at the end of the meal.

*A lot of times a child doesn't want meal time to end not because they are still hungry but because that means they lose the attention of the parents. If both parents go to clean up mode after the meal then the child is on their own. Reduce that stress by all playing a game together right after the meal and then transition to clean up. Or have one parent clean up and the other gives the child undivided attention.

*Involve older children in meal planning to help aid in always having food at the table they will want to eat.

As soon as the call was over, I went to my library's website to put Dr. Rowell's book on reserve. Sadly, they didn't have it. So I decided to go ahead and order it from Amazon because I found her to be so helpful on the webinar. I did find a DVD at our library called, "Kids and Family Food Issues," and it's hosted by Dr. Rowell. Needless to say, I put that on reserve and am eager to get it.

He sure is happy about eggs. Maybe 2013 will be the year he expands his diet? Or not.

I'll keep you posted.