Transracial Adoption Panel

A week ago I attended a panel about transracial adoption led by two adult adoptees. It was such a great event and all week I have been mulling over several things that were discussed. My mom was able to join me and I know she found it to be extremely informative. The room was packed and it made me feel really good about Columbus. The first speaker was Rhonda Roorda and she along with Dr. Rita Simon wrote, In Their Own Voices: Transracial Adoptees Tell Their Stories. They have written two other books as well. The second speaker was Kevin Hofman and he wrote, Growing up Black in White. Kevin also has a blog that I have been following for a while now. I bought both of their books and am eager to read them. They spoke very openly with our group and took the time at the beginning to share some personal stories about growing up in white families. Rhonda told us about an African American woman at her family's church who took her under her wings and how important that was to her. Throughout her presentation Rhonda used the metaphor of a garden and giving your children tools that they can use along the way. She said that perhaps your child will seem disinterested in having an African American mentor but she advised that as parents we should think long term. Even if something is rejected initially they may be able to use that tool later in life. It made me think of one of the videos we had to watch for our home study training. The woman speaking was adopted from Korea as a baby. She said when she was little her parents tried to introduce her to Korean food or take her to Asian festivals but she just wanted to get a happy meal like all her friends. So after a while her parents stopped trying. She wished as she got older they had tried again because it was something she wondered about but didn't want to bring it up and possibly hurt her parents' feelings. Kevin and Rhonda both reiterated this point of when you are kid you just want to be like everyone else but as you come of age and begin your search for identity it is important to be able to talk about and explore those things that make you unique.

Kevin talked about how great it was that during part of his childhood his parents moved their family to a predominantly African American neighborhood and so he was constantly surrounded by other people that looked like him. It provided him with a firm foundation. He also discussed the reverse of that and how it was hard when they moved again and this time to a mostly white neighborhood. He wasn't used to being in situations when he was surrounded by only white people. Kevin told us about how certain friendships were instrumental for him. He had a best friend who was white yet that friend sympathized with Kevin and the adversities he faced as an African American. If Kevin told his friend that he thought he was treated a certain way because he was black then his friend wouldn't try and defend the other person but would speak truthfully and tell him that his suspicions were probably right. The whole time Kevin and Rhonda were presenting, I was thinking about how I am going to infuse more diversity into our lives and create types of opportunities for Ezra that will allow him to connect with others of his race and ethnicity. Obviously I can't force friendships but there are things I CAN do. Kevin prepared a handout titled, Advice From An Adoptee To Mom. It is eloquent, to the point and it made me cry (in a good way). He said that after they moved to the white neighborhood he remembers moments where he was outside playing and could see his mom watching from the window. Now that he is an adult and a parent himself he knows that his mom was checking to make sure he was okay and was accepted by the other neighborhood kids. He wishes he could go back in time and tell her that he was okay and was figuring things out. Every time I read that part I tear up because that is really the ultimate goal in raising kids. We want them to be okay.

Kevin created a list of several things he recommends adoptive parents discuss with their kids. What stuck with me after reading the list is that it all boils down to creating an environment where differences can be discussed openly and that parents need to lead the way. Kevin wrote, "Prepare me for the probable while praying for the possible." That really hit me. He said it would have made things easier for him had he been more prepared for the racism he would encounter in his life. Of course, I hope and pray with all my heart that Ezra is never treated differently because of his skin but I know that the chances are slim and it will be something he'll need advice on how to handle. And I know that I won't always be the best person to give him that advice. Both Kevin and Rhonda encouraged us to reach out and ask for help even if it feels uncomfortable. Such good advice.

I wish I could have tape recorded the event and played it for all of you. Rhonda signed her book and addressed it to Ezra. She wrote, " To Ezra: I hope you will enjoy reading this book! Celebrate you and your beautiful family. Best Wishes!" Our family IS beautiful. I'm so thankful for adult adoptees like Kevin and Rhonda who are willing to share their stories with the hope of helping and encouraging others.